Tonight is the last for the camper to be up. We'll put it down tomorrow because it's supposed to rain Friday. Alex knew about the camper being up, he knew tonight was the last night, he was invited to camp out sometime this week, but he never followed through.
Of course, I was a bit upset when he never contacted me about camping out. It shouldn't have been a surprise though. I was sitting outside kinda waiting for him to show up ready to camp out, but he never came.
This is going to sound stupid to most of you probably....
I was upset, and I just closed my eyes and started talking to God. I said I knew that I am in a toxic "relationship" with Alex and that I need out. I asked Him to help me get out of it, and I also asked to help Mom with the house hunting. I want to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
After talking to God, I felt (and still feel) better. The camping thing this week was my only attempt this summer to try and be friends with Alex again, and it didn't work. So that's it, I'm done. I take comfort knowing I at least have tried (over and over again) to be friends with him.
The sad thing is, I don't think he really realizes how much he's hurt me over the last couple years.
Please don't leave any comments saying that you're sorry or anything like that. I don't need to hear that. I feel even better after writing this.
:)
8 comments:
The good thing is you realize it about him.
You talk to god?
@ Anonymous
Not as much as I should...
Well I'm not sorry...so I won't say that. I think it's good that this is reinforcing your desire to get out of there and around him, which you (prob correctly) identify as toxic.
I don't find it strange that you talk to God. Regardless of my feelings as an atheist, the fact that you feel better is a complete real testament to the power of your belief and the power of faith on human consciousness and emotions. Regardless of atheists' beliefs about the "fact" of jesus/god/etc, there is a very real power which profoundly affects your being. If this is providing you comfort and making you feel better-- thats good! thats great! So no...this isn't weird at all.
(Sorry I know you would probably rather shoot yourself than hear my opinions/banter on religion...but I can't help myself. I mean well, if thats any consolation!)
Much Love,
Steve
i dont think it is really believing in a God or something like that it is more the feeling of not being alone because in the end that is what most of us fear the most is feeling a utter aloneness and having something there even if it isnt real makes us feel just a little bit better. plus unlike most people he will never tell what you say in private. and to peter i want to go camping no fair! now i am upset with you for not inviting me....jking hope it was lots of fun ad you got to eat smores at least once Love<~Peter~>
talking to Gd rarely "works" but always feels good
Peter,
by accepting that your relationship with Alex is "toxic", as you wrote, you did make the first step to get out of this mess. Well done and stick to this, even if it hurts. Now, you need to go further: don't wait, till your mom moves. You're 18 or 19 as I understood. It's summer. So, why not getting your ruksack and see how Florida/Canada or whatever is doing? What about a summer job? Check about mountain trips by youth organisations, language stages, summer schools, training centers ...idk but Peter: move, get in motion now! there is no other way to meet people! You're the best, so prouve it to other people you may meet. "Yes, you can!" Hugs Oliver (Munich)
Alex is just one of many options. When you have sexual relations with other guys then Alex will not seem so significant. He may even end up second or third choice! Hey, look around this summer cos you never know. School in the fall also has possibilities and it is a good idea to stay at your mother's and get out of the rut. bfn - Wayne (hugs)
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