I've mentioned her before on here, but in case you missed it...
Kelsey and I have known each other since pre-school just like most everyone who lives around here. Her, Andrew (I always figured she liked him), and I were best friends in 6th grade, my last year there. We hung out all the time together in school; in line together, sitting together, etc. At one point people even said we should go out, but being only 12 we just *pretended* it was gross. At least, I was pretending. I even got the bus driver to honk at her when we passed her walking to her house after school and Kelsey would wave, sometimes exaggerating the wave. The bus driver was the only person in real life that I told then. We had our rough times too. Like, she'd go a few days without talking to me, or waving to me :\ I think it's called PMS lol.
I think she may have liked me then too, but I never knew for sure.
Then, back at the beginning of the month, she had that Facebook status message that said, "Text me :)" I said, "I would if I had your number :p" Then a few days later she sent me an email type thing via Facebook that just said, "My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX" So I sent her a text message, but never got a response :(
Today, I responded to her original email:
Hey Kelsey, I sent you a text awhile ago when you first sent this to me but you never responded. My phone has been known to not send messages sometimes. My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX in case you want to send me a message sometime.
Anyway, I guess I won't be going to XXX this year like I was supposed to. At least not in the traditional way. There was a BIG screw up with my transcripts (probably Ms. X's fault) so it looks like I don't have enough credits to be a senior, yet I really do. Anyway, I decided to do XXX's cyber school program instead where I can earn enough credits to graduate this year without repeating a year.
I probably won't be seeing much of you or anyone else unless we have any clubs together or something. So, I hope you have a good year :)
Peter
Then a couple hours later she sent one back:
Aw, Thanks. I can't believe they screwed everything up for you :( I do hope we end up having some clubs together because I'd really love to see you again!
I now have your number, so I'm sure you'll get a message from me sooner or later :)
Kelsey
*checks phone*
Nothing yet :p
Anyway, that email made my night :)
P.S. Don't forget to read the other post I made today about what happened at school today.
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feelings. Show all posts
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
No More Camping
I'm pretty sure NG was the first one to realize that I didn't seem to have a good time during the last camping excursion. Well, yeah, he's right; I didn't really enjoy it...
So... I've decided not to do any more camping with Alex.
I guess this is a big sign of getting over him?
Yes, I'll probably miss the sexual stuff, but it's really not worth it if there is no feeling behind it. Even if it is just two friends wanking side-by-side, it's still hard if one of those friends has feelings for the other one, but the other one doesn't return those feelings.
So... yeah... No more camping.
So... I've decided not to do any more camping with Alex.
I guess this is a big sign of getting over him?
Yes, I'll probably miss the sexual stuff, but it's really not worth it if there is no feeling behind it. Even if it is just two friends wanking side-by-side, it's still hard if one of those friends has feelings for the other one, but the other one doesn't return those feelings.
So... yeah... No more camping.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Back From Vacation... Some Updates
Finally got back from vacation today! :)
First off, let me go over some important things that have happened since I went away:
1. Obviously I still have my own computer, though I borrowed Mom's while we were away to check my regular email. I didn't dare check blogs or my blog email on her computer :\
2. Kelsey gave me her phone number! :O
Last week she wrote on Facebook "Text me." For folks that aren't familiar with Facebook, this message can be seen by everyone who is "friends" with her. I commented, "I would if I knew your number :p"
Then a few days later a guy also commented on it, saying, "I think he just hit on you... just saying :p lol" Then that night she sent me her number on Facebook :O
I got it when I checked my email the other day, but I didn't send her a message until just a few minutes ago... No word back from her yet... *bites finger nails*
Seriously, I would go straight if I had a chance with her. For the time being I may be posting stuff about me chasing after her instead of Alex :p She's way out of my league though. We used to be good friends in 6th grade, but that was 5 years ago. All the guys in school are lining up for a chance with her. She's very popular. I'll post about her and I in 6th grade when I get a chance.
3. I've found some laptops that I'm interested in.
Here is one. Obviously there are some restrictions with buying a small laptop; the memory capacity, no CD drive, etc...
Dad says that by the time I get the extra memory or whatever and the CD drive, it would cost as much as a regular size laptop. So I've also been looking at those.
Thanks to Steevo who sent me a bunch of info about refurbished computers or something like that, but we really don't have a problem affording a new computer. So thanks, but no thanks :)
4. No word from Alex yet about camping. I sent him a message today asking if he picked a night yet. I also said that it's going to be nice the remainder of this week, but rainy next week. So we really only have tomorrow (Friday) to do it. Saturday we can't cos we have to get up early for church, and Sunday I can't do it cos I've got an eye appointment Monday morning. Monday night we can do it I suppose. It's going to rain Tuesday-Thursday tho. I dunno if it's going to rain after Thursday or not since the forecast doesn't extend more than a week.
He brought up camping last week, but now he's not showing any interest -_-
I think that's all the updates I'm going to post for now. I'll post the pics I took while I was on vacation tomorrow and explain what I did, where I went, etc.
An hour later and Kelsey hasn't texted me back yet :\
First off, let me go over some important things that have happened since I went away:
1. Obviously I still have my own computer, though I borrowed Mom's while we were away to check my regular email. I didn't dare check blogs or my blog email on her computer :\
2. Kelsey gave me her phone number! :O
Last week she wrote on Facebook "Text me." For folks that aren't familiar with Facebook, this message can be seen by everyone who is "friends" with her. I commented, "I would if I knew your number :p"
Then a few days later a guy also commented on it, saying, "I think he just hit on you... just saying :p lol" Then that night she sent me her number on Facebook :O
I got it when I checked my email the other day, but I didn't send her a message until just a few minutes ago... No word back from her yet... *bites finger nails*
Seriously, I would go straight if I had a chance with her. For the time being I may be posting stuff about me chasing after her instead of Alex :p She's way out of my league though. We used to be good friends in 6th grade, but that was 5 years ago. All the guys in school are lining up for a chance with her. She's very popular. I'll post about her and I in 6th grade when I get a chance.
3. I've found some laptops that I'm interested in.
Here is one. Obviously there are some restrictions with buying a small laptop; the memory capacity, no CD drive, etc...
Dad says that by the time I get the extra memory or whatever and the CD drive, it would cost as much as a regular size laptop. So I've also been looking at those.
Thanks to Steevo who sent me a bunch of info about refurbished computers or something like that, but we really don't have a problem affording a new computer. So thanks, but no thanks :)
4. No word from Alex yet about camping. I sent him a message today asking if he picked a night yet. I also said that it's going to be nice the remainder of this week, but rainy next week. So we really only have tomorrow (Friday) to do it. Saturday we can't cos we have to get up early for church, and Sunday I can't do it cos I've got an eye appointment Monday morning. Monday night we can do it I suppose. It's going to rain Tuesday-Thursday tho. I dunno if it's going to rain after Thursday or not since the forecast doesn't extend more than a week.
He brought up camping last week, but now he's not showing any interest -_-
I think that's all the updates I'm going to post for now. I'll post the pics I took while I was on vacation tomorrow and explain what I did, where I went, etc.
An hour later and Kelsey hasn't texted me back yet :\
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Going Out To Lunch.
Last week, before Mom moved out of her old school, her and her aide (Mrs. M) went to lunch together. Mrs. M said that she wanted to say bye to me too, so Mom and I are going to have lunch with her today. Also one of the office secretaries (Mrs. H) is coming too. I dunno if I posted about that before or not.
I've blogged briefly about Andrew, Kelsey, and Derrick before but now since I'm going to school with them again I suspect I'll be talking about them more often.
*Adds labels for them*
Last week sometime I sent them friend requests on Facebook; the first contact I've had with them in 5 years. Since then I've had 4 other old friends send me friend request; Katie Q. (there's more than 1 Katie), Lauren (who I had a crush on in pre-school :O), Erika, and Samantha (who I can't remember :\).
Now, Kelsey is one of those people I'd go straight for if I had the chance with her :) I liked her 5 years ago and I've had a spot for her in my heart ever since then. That may sound sappy but I don't know how else to say it lol.
ZOMG! Why am I talking about straight stuff on a gay blog? :p
Ok, well I dunno what else to say right now. I'll just go back to reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Oh btw, Kelsey "wrote on my wall" (aka sent me a message) on Facebook saying, "Rumor has it you're coming back to ENTER SCHOOL INITIALS HERE? :)"
"Word travels fast... Yes, I'm coming back."
"Yay! That's so exciting :)"
Then I just typed this morning, "Scary is more like it :\"
I've blogged briefly about Andrew, Kelsey, and Derrick before but now since I'm going to school with them again I suspect I'll be talking about them more often.
*Adds labels for them*
Last week sometime I sent them friend requests on Facebook; the first contact I've had with them in 5 years. Since then I've had 4 other old friends send me friend request; Katie Q. (there's more than 1 Katie), Lauren (who I had a crush on in pre-school :O), Erika, and Samantha (who I can't remember :\).
Now, Kelsey is one of those people I'd go straight for if I had the chance with her :) I liked her 5 years ago and I've had a spot for her in my heart ever since then. That may sound sappy but I don't know how else to say it lol.
ZOMG! Why am I talking about straight stuff on a gay blog? :p
Ok, well I dunno what else to say right now. I'll just go back to reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Oh btw, Kelsey "wrote on my wall" (aka sent me a message) on Facebook saying, "Rumor has it you're coming back to ENTER SCHOOL INITIALS HERE? :)"
"Word travels fast... Yes, I'm coming back."
"Yay! That's so exciting :)"
Then I just typed this morning, "Scary is more like it :\"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
3 Weeks?! :o
Dunno if you've noticed or not, but I haven't made a post having anything to do with Alex in exactly 10 days. I guess part of the reason is that he was on vacation for a week; having just got back today. Also Dad has been on "vacation" for two weeks now. He isn't away or anything, rather just on vacation from church stuff. Naturally, I haven't been to church since the 12th since Dad is on "vacation." I'll be back in church on the 9th.
So anywho, that adds up to 4 weeks of not seeing Alex. Well, I've seen him and he's seen me, but not in a social setting. 3 of those weeks (the last two and the next one) make three weeks of not talking to him in person or via text message (tho he did send two dumb forwarded emails to me before he went on vacation).
Of course I've thought about him, as usual, but I haven't really had much of a desire to do anything with him (non-sexual things anyway ;) ). For instance, today I was walking up the stairs to my room when I head my phone beep and vibrate on my desk signaling that I had gotten a text message. Get this, I actually thought, "I hope it's not Alex asking to do something."
:o
Whoa... did I actually think that? I didn't know that was possible... lol
It wasn't him.
Does this mean I'm actually starting to get over him?
:O
I wonder if he's noticed the silence between us? I guess we'll see what happens two Sundays from now when we see each other in church...
What do I post about now since I don't have much of anything to say regarding Alex? Maybe this blog will eventually go to Blog Heaven with the others that have been stopping their blogs recently. I just deleted yet another blog (Courage's) from my links list the other day. It seems like it's getting smaller by the day!
That's all for now,
Peter
P.S. Apparently Mikey and I can't be considered E-BFs now. I guess he just got his own in real life. Whoever this person is just seemed to pop up outta nowhere. One day there's no one, then the next day he's getting blowjobs from someone o_O Meh... whatever...
P.S. x2: I went to a different eye doctor today. As soon as he walked in the exam room my gaydar pinged! No, I wasn't attracted to him or anything, but I think he's gay! Seriously, he had this light facial hair and a soft voice bordering on being feminine. When he was talking to Dad i snuck a peek at his hands, and what didn't I see? A wedding ring! He just had the air of a gay person around him, if you will.
P.S. x3: I've been extremely horny the past two days. Maybe that's a side effect of these eye drops? Anyone want to participate in a circle jerk with me? :D
P.S. x4: I'm getting all these P.S.s whenever I go through my labels and see labels that remind me of something I want to say.
So anywho, that adds up to 4 weeks of not seeing Alex. Well, I've seen him and he's seen me, but not in a social setting. 3 of those weeks (the last two and the next one) make three weeks of not talking to him in person or via text message (tho he did send two dumb forwarded emails to me before he went on vacation).
Of course I've thought about him, as usual, but I haven't really had much of a desire to do anything with him (non-sexual things anyway ;) ). For instance, today I was walking up the stairs to my room when I head my phone beep and vibrate on my desk signaling that I had gotten a text message. Get this, I actually thought, "I hope it's not Alex asking to do something."
:o
Whoa... did I actually think that? I didn't know that was possible... lol
It wasn't him.
Does this mean I'm actually starting to get over him?
:O
I wonder if he's noticed the silence between us? I guess we'll see what happens two Sundays from now when we see each other in church...
What do I post about now since I don't have much of anything to say regarding Alex? Maybe this blog will eventually go to Blog Heaven with the others that have been stopping their blogs recently. I just deleted yet another blog (Courage's) from my links list the other day. It seems like it's getting smaller by the day!
That's all for now,
Peter
P.S. Apparently Mikey and I can't be considered E-BFs now. I guess he just got his own in real life. Whoever this person is just seemed to pop up outta nowhere. One day there's no one, then the next day he's getting blowjobs from someone o_O Meh... whatever...
P.S. x2: I went to a different eye doctor today. As soon as he walked in the exam room my gaydar pinged! No, I wasn't attracted to him or anything, but I think he's gay! Seriously, he had this light facial hair and a soft voice bordering on being feminine. When he was talking to Dad i snuck a peek at his hands, and what didn't I see? A wedding ring! He just had the air of a gay person around him, if you will.
P.S. x3: I've been extremely horny the past two days. Maybe that's a side effect of these eye drops? Anyone want to participate in a circle jerk with me? :D
P.S. x4: I'm getting all these P.S.s whenever I go through my labels and see labels that remind me of something I want to say.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Sometimes I just wanna cry...
I'm one of those people who can't cry. Even if I try to cry I still can't. Weird huh?
When I can't cry, but want to, it makes for a weird sensation in my head. Usually I just sit with one of my hands on my forehead and have my eyes closed. Or I just bury my head in my folded arms.
Anyway, today has been one of those days. I did something unspeakable...
... I was thinking!
I know I shouldn't do it. I always regret thinking about the past, and Alex. And when you put the two together...
Well, it's not fun.
When I think about the stupid things I've done (with regard to Alex), I feel sooooo dumb. And in hindsight, I know I caused all of the problems that have torn our friendship apart.
It's really hard to explain without going into detail about each and every thing I'm thinking about.
Now, when you mix thinking and jealousy together!
That's when I feel the worst.
Like today, Alex was playing hockey with The Annoying Friend...
Oh ffs! I'm just gonna start using his name. Joe. So everytime you see Joe, he's The Annoying Friend.
Anyway...
I can hear them together out there. I keep thinking things like,
Why doesn't he want me out there instead?
Why can't we just be normal friends again?
Why did I have to do this?
Why did I have to do that?
Why...?
Why...?
Why...?
What if I hadn't done this?
...that?
Does he even know how much pain he's causing me?
Does he know our friendship is on the rocks?
Is he even mature enough to get all of this?
I know I shouldn't think like that. It's not healthy to. But I just can't help it.
Okay, I'm gonna stop all that now cos it really sounds dumb, and it makes me sound crazy.
I really want to just let go of him completely. But at the same time I want things back to normal between us.
I just want to talk to him. But I've tried before, but I just can't bring myself to confront him about it. Dunno why. It would probably solve this whole thing one way or the other.
And before you say it, going back to school is not going to solve a damn thing.
Hmm... What else is swimming through my head?
IDK
There was something there a little bit ago, but now it's gone. Maybe that's a good thing.
Damn! It's getting late. I want to get up and walk tomorrow (2.2 miles is my walking route's distance), but I'm probably not gonna be able to wake up early enough. As it is, I'm never gonna get to sleep with all the thinking that's going on upstairs.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. It makes me sound nuts.
In short:
I know it's time to get over Alex completely. It's been that time for awhile now. But I just can't do it! I try not to let him bother me, but I can't help it.
-_-
I mean, I didn't get any work done today cos I've done practically done nothing but thinking. I even tried to take my mind off it all by playing video games. That didn't do a whole lot of good.
I just need a long vacation away from here. Even just a long weekend would be nice. But it doesn't seem like I'll be getting one of those this summer, or any time soon for that matter...
Ok, I'm gonna shut up now. I'm gonna go crawl in bed, and bury myself under my covers...
BTW, I've posted an update on the whole animal abuse thing. Go read it if you haven't already.
When I can't cry, but want to, it makes for a weird sensation in my head. Usually I just sit with one of my hands on my forehead and have my eyes closed. Or I just bury my head in my folded arms.
Anyway, today has been one of those days. I did something unspeakable...
... I was thinking!
I know I shouldn't do it. I always regret thinking about the past, and Alex. And when you put the two together...
Well, it's not fun.
When I think about the stupid things I've done (with regard to Alex), I feel sooooo dumb. And in hindsight, I know I caused all of the problems that have torn our friendship apart.
It's really hard to explain without going into detail about each and every thing I'm thinking about.
Now, when you mix thinking and jealousy together!
That's when I feel the worst.
Like today, Alex was playing hockey with The Annoying Friend...
Oh ffs! I'm just gonna start using his name. Joe. So everytime you see Joe, he's The Annoying Friend.
Anyway...
I can hear them together out there. I keep thinking things like,
Why doesn't he want me out there instead?
Why can't we just be normal friends again?
Why did I have to do this?
Why did I have to do that?
Why...?
Why...?
Why...?
What if I hadn't done this?
...that?
Does he even know how much pain he's causing me?
Does he know our friendship is on the rocks?
Is he even mature enough to get all of this?
I know I shouldn't think like that. It's not healthy to. But I just can't help it.
Okay, I'm gonna stop all that now cos it really sounds dumb, and it makes me sound crazy.
I really want to just let go of him completely. But at the same time I want things back to normal between us.
I just want to talk to him. But I've tried before, but I just can't bring myself to confront him about it. Dunno why. It would probably solve this whole thing one way or the other.
And before you say it, going back to school is not going to solve a damn thing.
Hmm... What else is swimming through my head?
IDK
There was something there a little bit ago, but now it's gone. Maybe that's a good thing.
Damn! It's getting late. I want to get up and walk tomorrow (2.2 miles is my walking route's distance), but I'm probably not gonna be able to wake up early enough. As it is, I'm never gonna get to sleep with all the thinking that's going on upstairs.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. It makes me sound nuts.
In short:
I know it's time to get over Alex completely. It's been that time for awhile now. But I just can't do it! I try not to let him bother me, but I can't help it.
-_-
I mean, I didn't get any work done today cos I've done practically done nothing but thinking. I even tried to take my mind off it all by playing video games. That didn't do a whole lot of good.
I just need a long vacation away from here. Even just a long weekend would be nice. But it doesn't seem like I'll be getting one of those this summer, or any time soon for that matter...
Ok, I'm gonna shut up now. I'm gonna go crawl in bed, and bury myself under my covers...
BTW, I've posted an update on the whole animal abuse thing. Go read it if you haven't already.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Another Dream AND Some Other Things
Last night around 10ish, I decided to go for a run with the dogs.
*Gasp*
Me? Exercising?
Lol
I took Skylar first. We ran from the boat to the road and back 5 times (Dad says thats about 100 feet each way). Then I got chubbs and ran the same thing. It didn't last long, but it really helped clear my head of all the things I was thinking about yesterday.
Afterwords, I got the idea to wake up at 5am this morning and walk up to the church and back (the long ways of course). Dad says the way I planned to go would be about a mile or more.
I set my phone to go off at 4:45.
Once 4:45 came around and the alarm went off, I was ready to get up and go. Then I noticed it was a little dark outside still. So I made the mistake of hitting the snooze button. Five minutes later, the phone went off again. Again, I hit the snooze button. Every five minutes up until 5am, I hit the snooze button. Once at 5, I was too tired to get up. So I reset the alarm to go off at 8am.
Somewhere between 5 and 8, I had this interesting dream. I don't remember how it started, so I'll just skip to the good parts :D
Somehow, Alex and I were in my room behind a closed door...
...OMG, this sounds so weird now...
Anyway, he was dressed only in underwear lol. Eventually, we both started rubbing each other and kissing.
Then we get interrupted...
...by the evil queen from Snow White ffs!
I guess she took Dad's place. She was making pizza, but she kept calling it lasagna (oddly enough, it looked like the same pizza Mom brought last week. Also I ate lasagna the other day).
Anywho, Alex and I hid under the covers on my bed. There we gave each other handjobs. We ended up cumming at the same time lol.
After we got done, we both locked ourselves in the bathroom and cleaned up. Then before he left, I asked
"Did you do all this because you like me? Or because you're just horny?"
He answered, "Just because I was horny." Then he left. That's when I woke up.
Gah!
Can't he even like me in my dreams ffs!!!!????!!!!
Okay, enough about that.
Today in church, I stuck my hand down my pants.
^_^
I didn't do anything while it was down there. My hands were just cold lol.
Oh!
I forgot to tell you.
Yesterday, I sent a text message to all my old friends whos' numbers I have. It said, "Thought you'd like to know that I'm seriously considering coming back to [enter city name here] for my senior year."
Some time after, I was just looking at my sent messages. I realized that I had accidently sent that text to Alex too!
:\
I actually wasn't going to tell him cos I don't really know what to say to him if he askes.
He didn't say anything about it in church today so...
Well, I think that is all I have to report for now.
Btw
Someone asked in the comments, so I guess I should also report that nothing has been done about the neighbor's animals yet.
*Gasp*
Me? Exercising?
Lol
I took Skylar first. We ran from the boat to the road and back 5 times (Dad says thats about 100 feet each way). Then I got chubbs and ran the same thing. It didn't last long, but it really helped clear my head of all the things I was thinking about yesterday.
Afterwords, I got the idea to wake up at 5am this morning and walk up to the church and back (the long ways of course). Dad says the way I planned to go would be about a mile or more.
I set my phone to go off at 4:45.
Once 4:45 came around and the alarm went off, I was ready to get up and go. Then I noticed it was a little dark outside still. So I made the mistake of hitting the snooze button. Five minutes later, the phone went off again. Again, I hit the snooze button. Every five minutes up until 5am, I hit the snooze button. Once at 5, I was too tired to get up. So I reset the alarm to go off at 8am.
Somewhere between 5 and 8, I had this interesting dream. I don't remember how it started, so I'll just skip to the good parts :D
Somehow, Alex and I were in my room behind a closed door...
...OMG, this sounds so weird now...
Anyway, he was dressed only in underwear lol. Eventually, we both started rubbing each other and kissing.
Then we get interrupted...
...by the evil queen from Snow White ffs!
I guess she took Dad's place. She was making pizza, but she kept calling it lasagna (oddly enough, it looked like the same pizza Mom brought last week. Also I ate lasagna the other day).
Anywho, Alex and I hid under the covers on my bed. There we gave each other handjobs. We ended up cumming at the same time lol.
After we got done, we both locked ourselves in the bathroom and cleaned up. Then before he left, I asked
"Did you do all this because you like me? Or because you're just horny?"
He answered, "Just because I was horny." Then he left. That's when I woke up.
Gah!
Can't he even like me in my dreams ffs!!!!????!!!!
Okay, enough about that.
Today in church, I stuck my hand down my pants.
^_^
I didn't do anything while it was down there. My hands were just cold lol.
Oh!
I forgot to tell you.
Yesterday, I sent a text message to all my old friends whos' numbers I have. It said, "Thought you'd like to know that I'm seriously considering coming back to [enter city name here] for my senior year."
Some time after, I was just looking at my sent messages. I realized that I had accidently sent that text to Alex too!
:\
I actually wasn't going to tell him cos I don't really know what to say to him if he askes.
He didn't say anything about it in church today so...
Well, I think that is all I have to report for now.
Btw
Someone asked in the comments, so I guess I should also report that nothing has been done about the neighbor's animals yet.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Need Help With a Problem.
Alright, here we go again.
Like I said in the edited version of the last post, Alex and I didn't sit out last night. He never said anything about it. In fact, I haven't heard from him since Monday.
It's just a little thing, but I've been hurt again. Even though I wasn't really expecting anything, I still got hurt. Like I said, it's just a little thing. But it's a little thing in a long list of other things that have hurt me. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I don't really know.
As usual, my head is swimming with thoughts right now about it all. Once again I'm thinking about just giving up on him totally. If I had a penny for everytime I've thought that, I would be a very rich person. Anyway, it's driving me crazy again. The only way to solve this problem is to eliminate the source. There are two ways to do that:
1. Kill him
2. Kill myself
3. Get away from him
Obviously I'm not going to choose number one or two lol.
I'm seriously thinking about going back to my old school. The problem with that is that I have to wake up at 4:45 every morning five days in a row. I don't know if I can do that or not. I slept for 12 hours after waking up at 4:45 yesterday. However, I think once I get into the habit of it I could probably do it.
Why do I have to wake up so early you ask?
Because Mom and I both really don't want to move again. We have moved 6 times since her and Dad got divorced 10 years ago.
I can still live with Dad, but that means living right across the street from Alex which doesn't really solve anything. Or I can move in with Mom. She's right up the hill so I will be away from Alex. I can still go to church, and also visit Dad.
I do miss my old friends. When I think about it, I can't believe how dumb I was from choosing Alex over all of them. Since I already know everyone there, I won't have to go through "the new kid" thing.
I don't know what I should do.
Sorry for always complaining when Alex does something like this. I'm sure you must think it's getting old by now. I'm thinking the same thing about this whole thing with me and Alex.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. I haven't made up my mind yet about what I want to do. Your suggestions are welcome.
Like I said in the edited version of the last post, Alex and I didn't sit out last night. He never said anything about it. In fact, I haven't heard from him since Monday.
It's just a little thing, but I've been hurt again. Even though I wasn't really expecting anything, I still got hurt. Like I said, it's just a little thing. But it's a little thing in a long list of other things that have hurt me. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I don't really know.
As usual, my head is swimming with thoughts right now about it all. Once again I'm thinking about just giving up on him totally. If I had a penny for everytime I've thought that, I would be a very rich person. Anyway, it's driving me crazy again. The only way to solve this problem is to eliminate the source. There are two ways to do that:
1. Kill him
2. Kill myself
3. Get away from him
Obviously I'm not going to choose number one or two lol.
I'm seriously thinking about going back to my old school. The problem with that is that I have to wake up at 4:45 every morning five days in a row. I don't know if I can do that or not. I slept for 12 hours after waking up at 4:45 yesterday. However, I think once I get into the habit of it I could probably do it.
Why do I have to wake up so early you ask?
Because Mom and I both really don't want to move again. We have moved 6 times since her and Dad got divorced 10 years ago.
I can still live with Dad, but that means living right across the street from Alex which doesn't really solve anything. Or I can move in with Mom. She's right up the hill so I will be away from Alex. I can still go to church, and also visit Dad.
I do miss my old friends. When I think about it, I can't believe how dumb I was from choosing Alex over all of them. Since I already know everyone there, I won't have to go through "the new kid" thing.
I don't know what I should do.
Sorry for always complaining when Alex does something like this. I'm sure you must think it's getting old by now. I'm thinking the same thing about this whole thing with me and Alex.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. I haven't made up my mind yet about what I want to do. Your suggestions are welcome.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Going Into More Detail...
On the last post, J asked why I live with Dad rather than Mom, and why am I cyber schooled.
I've given part of the answer to those before, but now I guess I'll go into more detail about it all.
A couple years ago, Dad had health problems relating to his heart and all that stuff. I don't pretend to understand all that stuff so I can't really give you any more info about it. Besides that all happened before I came on the scene anyway.
My brother who was currently still living with Dad at the time was getting ready to move out when all this happened. Dad became very concerned about living alone with these health problems. He is home 90% of the time since he doesn't really have to go anywhere for his job. He is also getting up there in his age (mid 60s). My brother decided to stay instead of moving out. That temporally solved the issue.
That summer (2007), I spent practically the whole time at Dad's (this was before he had his health probs). This was mainly because I was seeing Alex all the time. Whenever I had to leave and go back home (this was before I lived here remember), he would always ask when I was coming back. I already liked Alex since way before this time. But it was this summer that the feelings started getting a whole lot stronger. So much so that I was visiting Dad's a whole lot more than normal.
When school started, I went back to Dad's every holiday break. Even the little three day weekends. It was Christmas/New Years break (2007/08) that changed everything for me. It was the longest break of the school year, and the longest time I was able to do things with Alex since summer.
When it came time to go back home whenever break was about over, I didn't want to. I even started to cry. Now I hardly ever get emotional, so if I cry then you know something is seriously wrong.
These were my reasons for coming back here:
1. I never did anything with any of my friends outside of school. I went to a few birthday parties, but that was pretty much it as far as I can remember. I never saw any of them during the summer or anything like that.
2. I was also alone on the weekends and whenever there was a break that I didn't go to Dad's.
So I pretty much just sat at home in front of the TV most of the time.
3. I like where I live better. It's a nicer community, I have more contact with people here than I did before.
4. My brother was working 12 hour shifts so he wasn't with Dad much. I guess this reason is just an excuse that presented it self at the time and I took advantage of it. It was a viable reason then, but I guess I just used it (and still do) to hide probably the number one reason I came back here.
5. Alex is here. I had strong enough feeling for Alex that I decided to move back here for him.
When you look at it, I guess it was the worst decision I could have made. I had 76 people I considered a friend in my grade alone where I used to live. I dropped them all for 1.
Wow
I should become a case study of how love blinds you and makes you do stupid things.
Anyway, this is getting off the original topic of this post I think.
After I moved back with Dad, Mom also moved back to our city. So right now, there is no point to living with her rather than Dad because I'd still be here.
The other question (if you've forgotten) was why I'm cyber schooled.
This post is getting a bit long, so I'll just give you the short answer. It was something I wanted to try because there were more cons than pros about going back to the local school. Plus with my school, I get a lot more class options than with a regular "brick and mortar" school.
For instance, I have a lot of 3D design courses available to me. If you know me, than you know I love that stuff. So that is a huge advantage to me. There are also a lot of clubs available, as well as other things that a normal school can't offer for whatever reason.
When Mom looked at the cyber school and compared it to other cyber schools as well as the local school, she agreed that it was the best choice. Usually you don't get teachers who agree with cyber schools. She does.
So there's my answers.
This was kinda hard for me to write. A lot of things to think about for me. Lots of emotion too.
From my POV anyway.
Hope this wasn't too long. Apparently Bob doesn't like long posts :p
I've given part of the answer to those before, but now I guess I'll go into more detail about it all.
A couple years ago, Dad had health problems relating to his heart and all that stuff. I don't pretend to understand all that stuff so I can't really give you any more info about it. Besides that all happened before I came on the scene anyway.
My brother who was currently still living with Dad at the time was getting ready to move out when all this happened. Dad became very concerned about living alone with these health problems. He is home 90% of the time since he doesn't really have to go anywhere for his job. He is also getting up there in his age (mid 60s). My brother decided to stay instead of moving out. That temporally solved the issue.
That summer (2007), I spent practically the whole time at Dad's (this was before he had his health probs). This was mainly because I was seeing Alex all the time. Whenever I had to leave and go back home (this was before I lived here remember), he would always ask when I was coming back. I already liked Alex since way before this time. But it was this summer that the feelings started getting a whole lot stronger. So much so that I was visiting Dad's a whole lot more than normal.
When school started, I went back to Dad's every holiday break. Even the little three day weekends. It was Christmas/New Years break (2007/08) that changed everything for me. It was the longest break of the school year, and the longest time I was able to do things with Alex since summer.
When it came time to go back home whenever break was about over, I didn't want to. I even started to cry. Now I hardly ever get emotional, so if I cry then you know something is seriously wrong.
These were my reasons for coming back here:
1. I never did anything with any of my friends outside of school. I went to a few birthday parties, but that was pretty much it as far as I can remember. I never saw any of them during the summer or anything like that.
2. I was also alone on the weekends and whenever there was a break that I didn't go to Dad's.
So I pretty much just sat at home in front of the TV most of the time.
3. I like where I live better. It's a nicer community, I have more contact with people here than I did before.
4. My brother was working 12 hour shifts so he wasn't with Dad much. I guess this reason is just an excuse that presented it self at the time and I took advantage of it. It was a viable reason then, but I guess I just used it (and still do) to hide probably the number one reason I came back here.
5. Alex is here. I had strong enough feeling for Alex that I decided to move back here for him.
When you look at it, I guess it was the worst decision I could have made. I had 76 people I considered a friend in my grade alone where I used to live. I dropped them all for 1.
Wow
I should become a case study of how love blinds you and makes you do stupid things.
Anyway, this is getting off the original topic of this post I think.
After I moved back with Dad, Mom also moved back to our city. So right now, there is no point to living with her rather than Dad because I'd still be here.
The other question (if you've forgotten) was why I'm cyber schooled.
This post is getting a bit long, so I'll just give you the short answer. It was something I wanted to try because there were more cons than pros about going back to the local school. Plus with my school, I get a lot more class options than with a regular "brick and mortar" school.
For instance, I have a lot of 3D design courses available to me. If you know me, than you know I love that stuff. So that is a huge advantage to me. There are also a lot of clubs available, as well as other things that a normal school can't offer for whatever reason.
When Mom looked at the cyber school and compared it to other cyber schools as well as the local school, she agreed that it was the best choice. Usually you don't get teachers who agree with cyber schools. She does.
So there's my answers.
This was kinda hard for me to write. A lot of things to think about for me. Lots of emotion too.
From my POV anyway.
Hope this wasn't too long. Apparently Bob doesn't like long posts :p
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Down The Hill Again...
Well here we go again down the hill on the roller-coaster...
Yesterday I felt down emotionally. I was thinking all day about stuff. And I've come to the conclusion today that I have a few regrets recently.
Starting from the beginning:
1. I really wish I never had any feelings for Alex. That would mean none of this stuff I've been writing about in the blog would have happened.
2. I wish I never had to move back here. I had lots of friends where I used to live, and I had gave them all up for one. Does that make any sense? Not really.
3. I wish things with Alex never turned south.
4. I wish I could just give up on Alex. I've said it before, and so have you, but it's time to move on. But I can't.
I don't know why I'm getting like this now. I don't know where it all came from either.
I just wish everything can get better. But it's not going to any time soon.
It's so hard to deal with all this. I want to just give up.
But I can't do that, and I won't.
I don't know what the point of writing this is. You can't really help me. Writing this didn't help either. It just made me feel worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
And PLEASE don't tell me to go back to a "normal" school. You all know I won't do that, so don't even say it.
To make matters worse, I'm angry at Dad (though he doesn't know it). First, I learned that he has a e-girlfriend from the Philippines. A big WTF??????????????
I guess it's just natural for a child of divorced parents to feel this way when one of the parents takes on another partner. It's even worse when they both do it.
The two other reasons I'm mad at him are because:
1. There is a 100th Titanic anniversary cruise that is going to happen in 2012. It only cost a little over $6,000 for the whole thing. This includes train tickets to New York City; Plane tickets from NYC to where ever (somewhere near Southampton I guess); the 12 night cruise which includes an inside cabin (the cheapest), all the food and activities, a memorial service help on the spot where the Titanic sank from 11:40 p.m. to 2:20 a.m. on the 14th and 15th of April, an excursion to the cemeteries in Halifax, Nova Scotia, then back to NYC; then the train back to Pittsburgh.
Is $6K too much? I don't think so. It's a once in a lifetime event ffs! I mean, I'm not going to be alive for the 2ooth anniversary cruise. But then again, maybe I just don't understand finances.
Ok, so how about a cheaper vacation?
Instead of $6K, how about around $200?
This year is the 146th Gettysburg battle anniversary. Tickets for all three days of the reenactment comes out to something like $168 total. So figure around $200 for the hotel, food, gas, etc.
He won't even go for that idea.
FFS!!!!!!
I haven't been on vacation since I don't even know when. Seriously I can't remember when my last vacation was or where.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
So yeah, a pointless post. Sorry for just rambling.
Yesterday I felt down emotionally. I was thinking all day about stuff. And I've come to the conclusion today that I have a few regrets recently.
Starting from the beginning:
1. I really wish I never had any feelings for Alex. That would mean none of this stuff I've been writing about in the blog would have happened.
2. I wish I never had to move back here. I had lots of friends where I used to live, and I had gave them all up for one. Does that make any sense? Not really.
3. I wish things with Alex never turned south.
4. I wish I could just give up on Alex. I've said it before, and so have you, but it's time to move on. But I can't.
I don't know why I'm getting like this now. I don't know where it all came from either.
I just wish everything can get better. But it's not going to any time soon.
It's so hard to deal with all this. I want to just give up.
But I can't do that, and I won't.
I don't know what the point of writing this is. You can't really help me. Writing this didn't help either. It just made me feel worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
And PLEASE don't tell me to go back to a "normal" school. You all know I won't do that, so don't even say it.
To make matters worse, I'm angry at Dad (though he doesn't know it). First, I learned that he has a e-girlfriend from the Philippines. A big WTF??????????????
I guess it's just natural for a child of divorced parents to feel this way when one of the parents takes on another partner. It's even worse when they both do it.
The two other reasons I'm mad at him are because:
1. There is a 100th Titanic anniversary cruise that is going to happen in 2012. It only cost a little over $6,000 for the whole thing. This includes train tickets to New York City; Plane tickets from NYC to where ever (somewhere near Southampton I guess); the 12 night cruise which includes an inside cabin (the cheapest), all the food and activities, a memorial service help on the spot where the Titanic sank from 11:40 p.m. to 2:20 a.m. on the 14th and 15th of April, an excursion to the cemeteries in Halifax, Nova Scotia, then back to NYC; then the train back to Pittsburgh.
Is $6K too much? I don't think so. It's a once in a lifetime event ffs! I mean, I'm not going to be alive for the 2ooth anniversary cruise. But then again, maybe I just don't understand finances.
Ok, so how about a cheaper vacation?
Instead of $6K, how about around $200?
This year is the 146th Gettysburg battle anniversary. Tickets for all three days of the reenactment comes out to something like $168 total. So figure around $200 for the hotel, food, gas, etc.
He won't even go for that idea.
FFS!!!!!!
I haven't been on vacation since I don't even know when. Seriously I can't remember when my last vacation was or where.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
So yeah, a pointless post. Sorry for just rambling.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Another Bad Mood...
First, read my twitter to get all the more specific details.
As you can tell before the last post (on Twitter) everything was going good. Then the friend came over. It wasn't the annoying one or any of the other ones I've mentioned. I still didn't like it.
Just like all the other times a friend comes over while I'm there, I get in a bad mood.
The whole time, I just stood in one spot with my head down looking at the ground.
Alex skated up to me and whispered, "You can talk you know."
I said, "No."
Then I don't know how long it was, but Alex got tired of skating. So he took off them off and said to me, "The skates are there. You can go now if you want. I don't care."
As I went and picked up the skates I thought, "No, of course you don't." Then I came home... Still in a bad mood.
Now if the situation was different, then I wouldn't have acted like that. For example, if it was his sister's friend then I would have played with them and talked, etc.
It's only like this if it is Alex's friends.
I don't know why.
Of course everyone is going to tell me to try and get along with them.
Well, I have. And as you can tell, it hasn't worked. So save it please.
Bottom line is, when another one of Alex's friends is there, it hurts my feelings.
Of course, not eating anything substantial today didn't help. I get in bad moods when I don't eat. My brothers do too.
I just sent him a txt msg saying, "Sorry for seeming like I was in a bad mood earlier."
As you can tell before the last post (on Twitter) everything was going good. Then the friend came over. It wasn't the annoying one or any of the other ones I've mentioned. I still didn't like it.
Just like all the other times a friend comes over while I'm there, I get in a bad mood.
The whole time, I just stood in one spot with my head down looking at the ground.
Alex skated up to me and whispered, "You can talk you know."
I said, "No."
Then I don't know how long it was, but Alex got tired of skating. So he took off them off and said to me, "The skates are there. You can go now if you want. I don't care."
As I went and picked up the skates I thought, "No, of course you don't." Then I came home... Still in a bad mood.
Now if the situation was different, then I wouldn't have acted like that. For example, if it was his sister's friend then I would have played with them and talked, etc.
It's only like this if it is Alex's friends.
I don't know why.
Of course everyone is going to tell me to try and get along with them.
Well, I have. And as you can tell, it hasn't worked. So save it please.
Bottom line is, when another one of Alex's friends is there, it hurts my feelings.
Of course, not eating anything substantial today didn't help. I get in bad moods when I don't eat. My brothers do too.
I just sent him a txt msg saying, "Sorry for seeming like I was in a bad mood earlier."
Monday, April 13, 2009
Stupid
Last time I was with Alex (and his other friends), he was talking about getting roller skates to play hockey on. One of my brothers plays deck hockey (same as ice hockey minus the ice), so he has a bundle of skates lying about the house. All of them he doesn't use anymore.
Yesterday I found them. I sent him a message saying that he should let me know if he wanted to try them. He was going around to the different relatives' houses for Easter so we really couldn't do anything.
However, before I found the skates, he was out playing hockey all by himself. I had to go out and put the car in the garage. When I was walking back to the house he said my name. I turned around and asked, "What?" He replied, "Oh, nothing." It clicked in my mind that he must have wanted me to go over there. I did and we kicked the puck around. He didn't give me a stick so I had to kill my toes again lol. Actually I don't even know how to hold a hockey stick :p. Anywho, this only lasted 10 minutes before he had to go to the next relative's house.
I went back home and got the idea to look for the skates. I found them and then sent that txt msg I mentioned earlier. I tried them on, and skated around inside the house. I would fall flat on my face if I tried outside lol. It's actually quite fun. :D I may not give them to him, rather keeping them and just letting him borrow them when he needs to until he can get some himself.
So on to today. After I got out of the shower this morning, I saw that I got a txt msg. My heart started racing when I saw it was from Alex...until I read it.
He said he was outside and that I could come over. Then he said that his friend was there (not the annoying one).
This other friend isn't so bad, so I decided to go over WITHOUT the skates. We hung around for about an hour when he got a phone call. It was from the annoying friend calling to organize a football game. Alex got all excited and said he would start calling up some people. I got angry and just left.
When I got back I sent him a message that said, "Let me know when all your friends leave. Then I will bring over the skates."
After about 10 minutes he sent me a message that said, "My sister is bringing something over." She came to the door and gave me a paper for Dad. She said that Alex's friend was leaving and that I could bring the skates. I guess I should say that the annoying friend wanting to play football never came yet. So I got the skates and went over. The not so annoying friend lives catty corner from me. As soon as I stepped out the door, so did he. I guess he really wasn't leaving Alex's at all. I met him on the road and asked him where he was going. He was sipping soda so he just pointed at Alex's. I got a little angry again. Then when we got over there, the not-so-annoying-one say the annoying one coming down the street. I yanked one of the skates out of Alex's hand and left.
So right now I'm angry. I feel sad. I feel left out. I feel like he really doesn't care about me in any capacity. The worse part is, I have to listen to them every time they are outside. Sometimes I just can't stand it so I put a movie in and turn up the surround sound really loud. All that probably doesn't make sense to any of you. So don't lecture me on how I'm being stupid for being mad for no reason...please.
Now they are all yelling at each other...again. They all disbanded once, but now they are all back playing again.
So, I've got to get a haircut in a hour. ttyl...
Yesterday I found them. I sent him a message saying that he should let me know if he wanted to try them. He was going around to the different relatives' houses for Easter so we really couldn't do anything.
However, before I found the skates, he was out playing hockey all by himself. I had to go out and put the car in the garage. When I was walking back to the house he said my name. I turned around and asked, "What?" He replied, "Oh, nothing." It clicked in my mind that he must have wanted me to go over there. I did and we kicked the puck around. He didn't give me a stick so I had to kill my toes again lol. Actually I don't even know how to hold a hockey stick :p. Anywho, this only lasted 10 minutes before he had to go to the next relative's house.
I went back home and got the idea to look for the skates. I found them and then sent that txt msg I mentioned earlier. I tried them on, and skated around inside the house. I would fall flat on my face if I tried outside lol. It's actually quite fun. :D I may not give them to him, rather keeping them and just letting him borrow them when he needs to until he can get some himself.
So on to today. After I got out of the shower this morning, I saw that I got a txt msg. My heart started racing when I saw it was from Alex...until I read it.
He said he was outside and that I could come over. Then he said that his friend was there (not the annoying one).
This other friend isn't so bad, so I decided to go over WITHOUT the skates. We hung around for about an hour when he got a phone call. It was from the annoying friend calling to organize a football game. Alex got all excited and said he would start calling up some people. I got angry and just left.
When I got back I sent him a message that said, "Let me know when all your friends leave. Then I will bring over the skates."
After about 10 minutes he sent me a message that said, "My sister is bringing something over." She came to the door and gave me a paper for Dad. She said that Alex's friend was leaving and that I could bring the skates. I guess I should say that the annoying friend wanting to play football never came yet. So I got the skates and went over. The not so annoying friend lives catty corner from me. As soon as I stepped out the door, so did he. I guess he really wasn't leaving Alex's at all. I met him on the road and asked him where he was going. He was sipping soda so he just pointed at Alex's. I got a little angry again. Then when we got over there, the not-so-annoying-one say the annoying one coming down the street. I yanked one of the skates out of Alex's hand and left.
So right now I'm angry. I feel sad. I feel left out. I feel like he really doesn't care about me in any capacity. The worse part is, I have to listen to them every time they are outside. Sometimes I just can't stand it so I put a movie in and turn up the surround sound really loud. All that probably doesn't make sense to any of you. So don't lecture me on how I'm being stupid for being mad for no reason...please.
Now they are all yelling at each other...again. They all disbanded once, but now they are all back playing again.
So, I've got to get a haircut in a hour. ttyl...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Good Times...
Just got back from being with Alex. :D
Yeah, here we go on the up section of the roller-coaster again. He was out with his other friends again. I went over because the one who I bought pop (that's what us Pennsylvanians call it. You probably say soda or something) for yesterday said he would pay me back if he saw me today.
What a surprise! He didn't pay me back!
*rolls eyes*
Again Alex wasn't really paying any attention to me. His other friends were though. Grrrr. There were some 'gay' jokes thrown out, but none were directed at me. That tells me that the one yesterday was just a random one.
After his friends left, Alex started paying attention to me. I watched him and his sister play catch. Then she went in, and he and I kicked the hockey puck around. After awhile of this, he had to go in and eat supper, watch the hockey game, do homework, then they are going bowling.
There were no "gay" signals coming from him today. The only interesting thing he did was call me "Pete." He usually doesn't take off the "r" when he says my name.
So, basically I feel good about us again. I wonder how long it will take before the roller-coaster reaches the top of the hill and starts downward again. :\
Please read the other two posts I made today and comment if you haven't already.
Yeah, here we go on the up section of the roller-coaster again. He was out with his other friends again. I went over because the one who I bought pop (that's what us Pennsylvanians call it. You probably say soda or something) for yesterday said he would pay me back if he saw me today.
What a surprise! He didn't pay me back!
*rolls eyes*
Again Alex wasn't really paying any attention to me. His other friends were though. Grrrr. There were some 'gay' jokes thrown out, but none were directed at me. That tells me that the one yesterday was just a random one.
After his friends left, Alex started paying attention to me. I watched him and his sister play catch. Then she went in, and he and I kicked the hockey puck around. After awhile of this, he had to go in and eat supper, watch the hockey game, do homework, then they are going bowling.
There were no "gay" signals coming from him today. The only interesting thing he did was call me "Pete." He usually doesn't take off the "r" when he says my name.
So, basically I feel good about us again. I wonder how long it will take before the roller-coaster reaches the top of the hill and starts downward again. :\
Please read the other two posts I made today and comment if you haven't already.
This was going to be a comment...
...but I decided to make it a post instead. It's mainly in response to Col's comment on the last post.
I completely forgot to mention that today is Palm Sunday and we have a pancake breakfast after church (as I said in the last post).
Alex helps with making the pancakes, sausage and eggs. They start making them at like 7 am and continue all through church. So Alex wasn't able to sit with me during church.
He and I also take up the offering (aka collecting the money from people). He didn't even come out to do that. He didn't even tell me he couldn't help. I guess the pancakes were more important. Anywho, his little sister was nice enough to help after her mother told her too.
So there is always tomorrow to talk or whatever. I'm not sure I really want to though. I just don't know what to do now. I just have mixed feelings.
:\
And yes Col, this has been one heck of an emotional roller-coaster recently.
Random fact: I had a dream about an iPhone last night.
wtf?
I completely forgot to mention that today is Palm Sunday and we have a pancake breakfast after church (as I said in the last post).
Alex helps with making the pancakes, sausage and eggs. They start making them at like 7 am and continue all through church. So Alex wasn't able to sit with me during church.
He and I also take up the offering (aka collecting the money from people). He didn't even come out to do that. He didn't even tell me he couldn't help. I guess the pancakes were more important. Anywho, his little sister was nice enough to help after her mother told her too.
So there is always tomorrow to talk or whatever. I'm not sure I really want to though. I just don't know what to do now. I just have mixed feelings.
:\
And yes Col, this has been one heck of an emotional roller-coaster recently.
Random fact: I had a dream about an iPhone last night.
wtf?
Saturday, April 4, 2009
::EDITED:: Not Happy!
Alex was out with his other friends. I had to go pick something up at Mom's. When I pulled out of the driveway, I got stopped by one of Alex's friends. He asked if I was driving by the store. I said yes. Then he gave me money to buy him a bottle of Mountain Dew. I had no problem with this.
When I got back I went over to give it to him. I decided to just stay even though I hate being around them.
I think Alex must have told one of them that I'm gay cos he (not Alex, his friend) asked if I was going to join the Navy. Not realizing the joke, I said, "No. Why?" He said, "Because gay people join the Navy."
I don't know if it was a joke about my orientation, or if it was just a random joke.
After a little bit, Alex had to leave for baseball practice. As we were all leaving he said to the same one who made the joke, "Hey, I might be over after practice. I don't know though."
That put me in a rather bad mood. The whole time I was there he barely recognized my presence. And after being around them all day, he still wants to do stuff with them later.
There is no way he likes me as more than a friend, and hardly even that.
I've got a headache now.
:(
Going over there was a bad idea. And so was trying to get the friendship back. I shouldn't have even tried.
Well, I guess I know where I stand in his life now.
::EDIT 1::
Dad wants Alex and I to go up to the church later today and set up tables for tomorrows Palm Sunday breakfast. Maybe this will put me in a good mood with him again. Maybe we will hang out together afterward too.
We'll see.
::EDIT 2::
Well I just got back from setting up the tables. I did it all by myself. Alex wasn't even nice enough to say he couldn't help.
Again, I see where I stand in his life. I guess it is really time to forget about him...
When I got back I went over to give it to him. I decided to just stay even though I hate being around them.
I think Alex must have told one of them that I'm gay cos he (not Alex, his friend) asked if I was going to join the Navy. Not realizing the joke, I said, "No. Why?" He said, "Because gay people join the Navy."
I don't know if it was a joke about my orientation, or if it was just a random joke.
After a little bit, Alex had to leave for baseball practice. As we were all leaving he said to the same one who made the joke, "Hey, I might be over after practice. I don't know though."
That put me in a rather bad mood. The whole time I was there he barely recognized my presence. And after being around them all day, he still wants to do stuff with them later.
There is no way he likes me as more than a friend, and hardly even that.
I've got a headache now.
:(
Going over there was a bad idea. And so was trying to get the friendship back. I shouldn't have even tried.
Well, I guess I know where I stand in his life now.
::EDIT 1::
Dad wants Alex and I to go up to the church later today and set up tables for tomorrows Palm Sunday breakfast. Maybe this will put me in a good mood with him again. Maybe we will hang out together afterward too.
We'll see.
::EDIT 2::
Well I just got back from setting up the tables. I did it all by myself. Alex wasn't even nice enough to say he couldn't help.
Again, I see where I stand in his life. I guess it is really time to forget about him...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Evening With Alex
Whew! What a busy day!
Dad and I spent most of the afternoon at my brother's. We didn't get back until around 4ish.
After awhile at home, I was starting to get bored (what a surprise!). I started looking out the window occasionally looking to see if Alex was out. Unfortunately he was.....with his other friends. It's hard to explain why I don't like them unless you have seen them and been around them. They are just sooo immature, and it's not worth being around them even if Alex is there.
At one point I got up to get a drink in the kitchen. I looked out the window and I saw his friends were leaving (yay!). I noticed it was nearing dinnertime and figured that's why they were going. Dad had driven me to Taco Bell after we left my brother's so I wasn't at all hungry.
I went back to my laptop in the living room. I realized I had gotten so distracted by Alex's friends leaving (and was glad they were) that I had forgotten about getting my drink. On my way back out to the kitchen I glanced out the other windows looking out the side of the house. You can see part of Alex's driveway out those windows.
To my surprise, he was still out playing hockey with his sister. After a little debating with myself, I decided to go over. After I stepped out the door, I got really nervous. So I started stalling myself with little things outside. My legs finally solidified from their jelly form (meaning I stopped being nervous), and I went over.
He was playing hockey with his little sister (who was trying desperately to play). I ended up kicking the puck around with my foot like the other night when I was over last. Soon he had to go eat dinner, and I went back home. I told him I would be around if he wanted me to come back. He said, "I'll be back out if a little bit."
Dad went off to Bible Study and I was left alone with the dogs and cats. Finally I saw Alex back outside and I went back over (without much nervousness). His sister was (attempting) to play basketball while Alex and I played around with the hockey puck. Again I had to sacrifice my feet and toes. LOL
It was starting to get dark out when someone showed up at his house. I had no idea who it was. It was a guy, his wife, and their little girl. I guess they were friends of Alex's dad. They were there to buy an old bike that used to belong to Alex's sister when she was little.
The visitor's little girl (I'm talking like 4 or 5) started to become the center of attention. Alex started playing hockey with her. I was left standing by his dad's truck. Apparently the little girl had too much excitement. She got sick right there in the driveway! Ewww. It was soooooooo groossss.
*shudders*
I don't have a weak stomach so I can take it, but it did feel a little weird then. Alex apparently does not have a strong stomach. He came back and stood with me behind his dad's truck. That's where the best thing of the whole night happened.
His dad has a pickup truck and we were standing at the back end. I was leaning against the tailgate with my arms stretched out on the top of the tailgate. Alex was pacing in front me telling some story. I wasn't really paying much attention cos I was staring at him, or rather his shorts which don't conceal bulges well :p. NOTE: This was not a boner bulge. Just a non-boner bulge I guess you can say. So don't jump to any conclusions. *cough NG cough* :p
Anywho, I don't remember exactly how it happened, but he came up beside me (facing the truck, not out away from it like I was), and put his arm and hand in exactly the same spot I had mine. So, his arm and hand were on top of mine.
*melts*
He picked up his arm and said "sorry" and continued pacing in front of me. I don't remember if I said anything back to him or not. I don't even remember how I reacted. My mind was just wandering everywhere at that point. I was trying to figure out if he did that on purpose, or if it was really an accident. :p
After a bit more of his pacing and a bit more of my staring, the other people around had gotten the driveway cleaned up. Soon enough they left. Everyone from Alex's family went inside, leaving us alone. Unfortunately, he realized what time it was (8:30 p.m.), and said he had to go in and do homework.
As he was going in he said, "See ya."
I responded, "Uh-huh" as I was walking out of his driveway. The "uh huh" was not in a sarcastic tone or anything. Not like "Uh huh, sure you will *rolls eyes*" it was just an "Uh huh" meant like an "Okay." Lol, is that confusing?
So, that was that.
Don't forget to read the other post I made today if you haven't already.
Dad and I spent most of the afternoon at my brother's. We didn't get back until around 4ish.
After awhile at home, I was starting to get bored (what a surprise!). I started looking out the window occasionally looking to see if Alex was out. Unfortunately he was.....with his other friends. It's hard to explain why I don't like them unless you have seen them and been around them. They are just sooo immature, and it's not worth being around them even if Alex is there.
At one point I got up to get a drink in the kitchen. I looked out the window and I saw his friends were leaving (yay!). I noticed it was nearing dinnertime and figured that's why they were going. Dad had driven me to Taco Bell after we left my brother's so I wasn't at all hungry.
I went back to my laptop in the living room. I realized I had gotten so distracted by Alex's friends leaving (and was glad they were) that I had forgotten about getting my drink. On my way back out to the kitchen I glanced out the other windows looking out the side of the house. You can see part of Alex's driveway out those windows.
To my surprise, he was still out playing hockey with his sister. After a little debating with myself, I decided to go over. After I stepped out the door, I got really nervous. So I started stalling myself with little things outside. My legs finally solidified from their jelly form (meaning I stopped being nervous), and I went over.
He was playing hockey with his little sister (who was trying desperately to play). I ended up kicking the puck around with my foot like the other night when I was over last. Soon he had to go eat dinner, and I went back home. I told him I would be around if he wanted me to come back. He said, "I'll be back out if a little bit."
Dad went off to Bible Study and I was left alone with the dogs and cats. Finally I saw Alex back outside and I went back over (without much nervousness). His sister was (attempting) to play basketball while Alex and I played around with the hockey puck. Again I had to sacrifice my feet and toes. LOL
It was starting to get dark out when someone showed up at his house. I had no idea who it was. It was a guy, his wife, and their little girl. I guess they were friends of Alex's dad. They were there to buy an old bike that used to belong to Alex's sister when she was little.
The visitor's little girl (I'm talking like 4 or 5) started to become the center of attention. Alex started playing hockey with her. I was left standing by his dad's truck. Apparently the little girl had too much excitement. She got sick right there in the driveway! Ewww. It was soooooooo groossss.
*shudders*
I don't have a weak stomach so I can take it, but it did feel a little weird then. Alex apparently does not have a strong stomach. He came back and stood with me behind his dad's truck. That's where the best thing of the whole night happened.
His dad has a pickup truck and we were standing at the back end. I was leaning against the tailgate with my arms stretched out on the top of the tailgate. Alex was pacing in front me telling some story. I wasn't really paying much attention cos I was staring at him, or rather his shorts which don't conceal bulges well :p. NOTE: This was not a boner bulge. Just a non-boner bulge I guess you can say. So don't jump to any conclusions. *cough NG cough* :p
Anywho, I don't remember exactly how it happened, but he came up beside me (facing the truck, not out away from it like I was), and put his arm and hand in exactly the same spot I had mine. So, his arm and hand were on top of mine.
*melts*
He picked up his arm and said "sorry" and continued pacing in front of me. I don't remember if I said anything back to him or not. I don't even remember how I reacted. My mind was just wandering everywhere at that point. I was trying to figure out if he did that on purpose, or if it was really an accident. :p
After a bit more of his pacing and a bit more of my staring, the other people around had gotten the driveway cleaned up. Soon enough they left. Everyone from Alex's family went inside, leaving us alone. Unfortunately, he realized what time it was (8:30 p.m.), and said he had to go in and do homework.
As he was going in he said, "See ya."
I responded, "Uh-huh" as I was walking out of his driveway. The "uh huh" was not in a sarcastic tone or anything. Not like "Uh huh, sure you will *rolls eyes*" it was just an "Uh huh" meant like an "Okay." Lol, is that confusing?
So, that was that.
Don't forget to read the other post I made today if you haven't already.
Flirtation
I talked to two people yesterday about "testing" Alex. One of the people said it wouldn't hurt to do it, while the other advised against it. Also the poll shows that you guys are pretty much split. I still can't believe some people said yes. :O
After the last comment on the "Confused" post, I figured flirting would be a good way to test Alex to see what his feelings are, and I'm not talking about heavy flirting. Just little things. Unfortunately, I'm not good at flirting. LOL
So how should I flirt with him? What should I do? How should I react if he does strange things again? I hope he doesn't do the figure in the ear thing again. Yuck!
Also, should I be doing anything now, or should I let him invite me to do things (not "things" *wink wink*)
And what do you mean he's trying to get my attention?
I guess I'm even more confused now. LOL
Anywho, you people have a lot of questions to answer. :P
Oh BTW, Mirrorboy (who is so awesome he doesn't need a link :p) gets The 200th Commenter Award! WOOT! Don't worry, I won't make you do a speech again. :p
And Torchy! gets The Best April Fools Day Prank Award! The runner up was Courage.
After the last comment on the "Confused" post, I figured flirting would be a good way to test Alex to see what his feelings are, and I'm not talking about heavy flirting. Just little things. Unfortunately, I'm not good at flirting. LOL
So how should I flirt with him? What should I do? How should I react if he does strange things again? I hope he doesn't do the figure in the ear thing again. Yuck!
Also, should I be doing anything now, or should I let him invite me to do things (not "things" *wink wink*)
And what do you mean he's trying to get my attention?
I guess I'm even more confused now. LOL
Anywho, you people have a lot of questions to answer. :P
Oh BTW, Mirrorboy (who is so awesome he doesn't need a link :p) gets The 200th Commenter Award! WOOT! Don't worry, I won't make you do a speech again. :p
And Torchy! gets The Best April Fools Day Prank Award! The runner up was Courage.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Confused
First let me start off by saying the finger in the ear thing was not a wet willy (thank God!). That's why it seems a bit odd for him to do that.
Also I forgot to mention something else that happened at youth club. In the choir loft there are two rows of pews. They are set up a bit like bleachers. Meaning that one is a bit higher than the one in front of it. I was sitting on the higher one, and Alex (for whatever reason) was on the floor below the lower pew. He reached under to where my feet were and undid my shoes.
He is acting really strange lately. He never did that or the finger thing before. A lot of the things he's done are all a bit weird for him to be doing. Really out of the norm.
So anyway, a few comments on the last post seem to suggest that it may be possible to have something more than a friendship with Alex after all. Or am I just reading them wrong?
I personally don't think there is anything to suggest that it is possible (not yet anyway). Although I wouldn't mind ;)
So I made a poll asking what you think. Explain your answer in the comments too please.
Oh, I guess you have noticed my new picture I have up. It is actually the Poseidon's logo, but I've adopted it as my own since my name starts with a 'P'. Now I just have to figure out how to put my last initial in there. :\
That is actually a picture of the flag I drew on my 3D model of the Poseidon.
Now go vote!
Also I forgot to mention something else that happened at youth club. In the choir loft there are two rows of pews. They are set up a bit like bleachers. Meaning that one is a bit higher than the one in front of it. I was sitting on the higher one, and Alex (for whatever reason) was on the floor below the lower pew. He reached under to where my feet were and undid my shoes.
He is acting really strange lately. He never did that or the finger thing before. A lot of the things he's done are all a bit weird for him to be doing. Really out of the norm.
So anyway, a few comments on the last post seem to suggest that it may be possible to have something more than a friendship with Alex after all. Or am I just reading them wrong?
I personally don't think there is anything to suggest that it is possible (not yet anyway). Although I wouldn't mind ;)
So I made a poll asking what you think. Explain your answer in the comments too please.
Oh, I guess you have noticed my new picture I have up. It is actually the Poseidon's logo, but I've adopted it as my own since my name starts with a 'P'. Now I just have to figure out how to put my last initial in there. :\
That is actually a picture of the flag I drew on my 3D model of the Poseidon.
Now go vote!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Mixed Emotions
First of all I guess I should highlight what happened at youth club.
Well actually around 4 p.m. today, I went over to Alex's house. It was purely a "business" visit LOL. I had to take a check over for his mom from the church's treasurer. He didn't invite me to stay though. I was left standing in the cold. :(
Okay now for youth club:
The first thing that happens there is the kids play games. Alex and I usually don't participate in them since we are the oldest ones there, and too old to play the silly games they play. Alex and I sat at a table across from each other. We just BSed really.
Then during the class we sat together as usual. It seemed to me that we were a little closer than usual though. However, I think it was just me. I mean, Alex was right on the end of the pew.
At one point during the class he had his left arm (the one closest to me) up on the back of the pew. It's hard to explain unless you know what they look like, but if I had been sitting right next to him then his arm would be around me.
Dad turned his back to look something up in his book. Alex then proceeded to take his left index finger and ever so gently stick it in my ear a little bit.
WTF???
We talked together and laughed and all that until he had to leave. That was pretty much it for youth club
Okay, now on to the mixed emotions part of the post.
After everything that happened today and yesterday, I have that feeling inside me again. It's that warm and fuzzy feeling. I think my feelings for him are starting to come back after their long vacation since the end of summer. I think some of you will say that they never left. But what I'm trying to say is that they are starting to affect me again. I've been thinking about him all day (plus I had a dream about him last night), and I've had a big grin on my face all day today.
The problem is, I don't really want to love him again. I mean there are no indicators that he is defiantly gay/bi, or that he wants a relationship with me that extends beyond friendship. I don't want to go though another heart break period like what I've been going through since the end of summer.
Unfortunately there is really nothing I can do about my feelings I guess.
Well actually around 4 p.m. today, I went over to Alex's house. It was purely a "business" visit LOL. I had to take a check over for his mom from the church's treasurer. He didn't invite me to stay though. I was left standing in the cold. :(
Okay now for youth club:
The first thing that happens there is the kids play games. Alex and I usually don't participate in them since we are the oldest ones there, and too old to play the silly games they play. Alex and I sat at a table across from each other. We just BSed really.
Then during the class we sat together as usual. It seemed to me that we were a little closer than usual though. However, I think it was just me. I mean, Alex was right on the end of the pew.
At one point during the class he had his left arm (the one closest to me) up on the back of the pew. It's hard to explain unless you know what they look like, but if I had been sitting right next to him then his arm would be around me.
Dad turned his back to look something up in his book. Alex then proceeded to take his left index finger and ever so gently stick it in my ear a little bit.
WTF???
We talked together and laughed and all that until he had to leave. That was pretty much it for youth club
Okay, now on to the mixed emotions part of the post.
After everything that happened today and yesterday, I have that feeling inside me again. It's that warm and fuzzy feeling. I think my feelings for him are starting to come back after their long vacation since the end of summer. I think some of you will say that they never left. But what I'm trying to say is that they are starting to affect me again. I've been thinking about him all day (plus I had a dream about him last night), and I've had a big grin on my face all day today.
The problem is, I don't really want to love him again. I mean there are no indicators that he is defiantly gay/bi, or that he wants a relationship with me that extends beyond friendship. I don't want to go though another heart break period like what I've been going through since the end of summer.
Unfortunately there is really nothing I can do about my feelings I guess.
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