Letter To Alex

I've only told two people I'm doing this. They said I shouldn't, but I am anyway. Since that night where I was really upset (see Gonna Snap post) I have been stewing over whether or not I should tell him what is on my mind. I need to have answers from him. Sorry to say, but the things you are telling me (why you think Alex doesn't want to do things with me anymore) isn't good enough. I need to hear it from him. So I was going to ask him my questions in church, but (as usual) I chicken out. So I have opted to write him a letter instead. I will give it him in church (if I don't chicken out). That's the best I can do.

Oh, and one more thing. It's not like he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. When we are together its like it was before. We talk like we used to, we laugh like we used to. It is almost like nothing is wrong. That's another reason why I want things to be exactly as they were. Except this time I'll keep my hands to myself ;)

So here is the letter:

Alex,

What happened to our friendship? Why have you cut me out of 95% of your life? What is your problem with me that you don’t want to do anything with me anymore? These are questions I have wanted to ask you for awhile now. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to ask when I want to. So, let’s start with where I think the problems started.

I think last summer is where it all started, in the tent to be exact. The things that started in there, I think, are the same things that led to the current problem(s) you seem to have with me. However, (not to place any blame here) it was you who started it. Remember? It was also you who let it escalate from there. I did it because I thought you wanted to do it. Of course, I wanted it also because I liked you.

That’s another thing. You let it continue even after I told you that I’m gay, and that I liked you. That sent more signals to me saying that you, somewhere inside you, had some sort of feelings for me and that you wanted it. Now, I think I've realized that it was just the signals being sent from a horny teenager who was simply exploring his sexuality. Only you know why you let me do it. That is the main thing that I think is what caused our current problem.

I think there might also be another reason. The fact that I can’t play any sports, or get along with any of your other friends is another reason. Therefore, you might possibly see me as boring, or whatever. I have tried to fix that by offering to take you places. That is something that none of your other friends can do. You have not showed any interest in that at all. To me, that’s you saying that you don’t even want to be friends with me like we used to.

I, however, want things back the way they were last year. Truthfully, I miss you….a lot. I asked before if you wanted to do those sexual things that we did before. You said ‘no’. After you telling me no, I’m not going to pressure you into doing it again. So, that should not be a concern for you. Be open to doing other thing and going places with me if you think I’m boring.

Whatever your problem is with me, we can work it out if you want to. If you only want to see me in church like we have been doing for months now, than fine. Just tell me that because not knowing what you want is harder than knowing. If you want to fix things so we can have a normal friendship like we used to have, than great. We really do have to talk about this, whatever your decision is. And I really hope you are taking this seriously. So, what do you want to do? What is your answer to the questions I first asked?

It's a little long, but I was just spelling out my thoughts. After writing that I have a headache. So I'm gonna go watch a loud movie.