I almost outed myself....twice.
Mom and I went down to my brother's place yesterday to see the new baby. We spent some time with them and (of course) mom became attached. I was silent almost the whole time. I didn't want to hold him. I guess it's just a little new to me. On the way home I was still quiet. Mom couldn't stop talking about my new nephew.
I was sad. Why you ask?
Because I was thinking how I will never have a family of my own. I will never get married. I will never have a kid. I will never have a family. Never. And I was thinking how much I wished I wasn't gay anymore.
So mom asked what I was being so quiet about. I almost told her what I was thinking about. I stopped myself and just told her I was tired.
Then today in church, I was showing off pictures of the kid. I was telling everyone the story about yesterday. And I almost let it slip what I was regretting (being gay) because I will never have a family of my own.
:(
Oh well. After all this excitement over the new baby is over, I'm sure I will forget all about my regret of being gay.
Oh and this might sound a little weird to you people, but....
I was playing pocket pool (Thanks Mr. HCI for the correct term lol) in church today during the sermon. I do it during every sermon cos it's just too boring to keep focused on dad talking (I mean, I hear him all day, everyday). I don't really get into it, I just.....lol
I can't explain it.
Anywho, Alex was sitting beside me as usual. He knows I do it. He was kinda watching me. Lol. HE might have gotten a little bit of a boner cos he "adjusted" himself a few times. Then when he stood up to sing the last hymn he was still sorta covering himself with the hymn book.
lol
Not sure what that means cos he wasn't playing pocket pool. He was just watching me every once and awhile.
5 comments:
What that means with Alex could be simply that he's a teenager with raging hormones.
I guess I never really wanted a family of my own. But when my nephew was born I certainly hoped to have a close relationship with him as his uncle. (Didn't work out as well as I had hoped.)
So take advantage of any opportunities you have to bond with him and be part of his life.
Does your dad deliver sermons all day long? lol
It's pocket pool.
:-)
Being gay doesn't mean you'll never get married. Two states in our country currently allow it and more will the older you get.
Being gay also doesn't mean you'll never have a kid. Many gay couples either have children through a surrogate or via adoption.
Finally, being gay doesn't mean you'll never have a family. Somewhere out there are guys that will be a perfect match for you. Once you're out, your chances of finding them will greatly increase.
A family is whatever you make it. Ours is Phil, me and our doggies. I wish it included a child, too, but we're not financially in a viable position to raise one and we're getting too old to adopt an infant, sadly. Nothing says we won't do something in future like take in a foster child; we've talked about it.
I know how that feels sometimes. I get sad thinking that I am the last one of my family that will carry our last name (my grandfathers), and will never have another generation to follow. But, I guess I just don't focus on it too often - in my case, regardless of whether I am gay or not, I would never want to deal with babies and children - I used to joke and say if I ever did get married (or adopt, or whatever) the child better be around age 18, so we could ship him/her right off to college. LOL. I guess that sounds sort of selfish but I never really wanted to have to deal with all that sort of stuff.
BTW, you might want to think from time to time if you want to come out to your parents. I'm not suggesting doing it any time soon. In fact, I'm not really suggesting that you do it, just that you think and consciously decide.
I don't think I'd ever have come out to my folks except that there were particular circumstances where I needed to have them know. But I can imagine that under different circumstances I'd have been very happy just never telling them. They were born around 1910 and might never have guessed.
Your folks might begin to wonder when you are still single and without a girlfriend into your 30's. Especially if you're living with another guy. So even if you decide you won't out yourself to them, you might want to think what you'll say if they ever ask. It could be a long way off. But IMO when somebody as close to you as parents asks directly, it is best not to lie.
Peter, there's absolutely NO reason for you to out yourself to anyone, least of all your parents. In another year you're going to be eighteen and an adult in the eyes of the law, and your sexual orientation is your business, and ONLY your business. i agree, if someone you love askes directly, you might THINK about telling them the truth, based on what you think their possible reaction will be.
believe me, if You're thirty, and don't date girls, and don't live with a girl, and are only see with guys, EVERYBODY is going to draw the obvious conclusion without you putting yourself through The Great Gay Drama of Coming Out.
Nothing like masturbation in church! In the Episcopal Church the altar boys wear long cassocks and a white surplice over it. The cassocks have well concealed side slits so you can reach into pockets. If you pull the cassock and surplice down and hold it with your knees, the fabric makes a sort of triangular tent from your chin to your knees, under which many interesting things can happen. My one brother and I routinely jacked each other off during sermons, and we held wads of kleenex over the heads of our cocks as the other guy got us into the home stretch. Once, we were up in the chamber where the organ pipes are and trading blow jobs, and the organist started the prelude and scared us to death. The Bombarde 32' pipe is LOUD two feet away!
Play with the baby Peter. They're fun.
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