First of all I guess I should highlight what happened at youth club.
Well actually around 4 p.m. today, I went over to Alex's house. It was purely a "business" visit LOL. I had to take a check over for his mom from the church's treasurer. He didn't invite me to stay though. I was left standing in the cold. :(
Okay now for youth club:
The first thing that happens there is the kids play games. Alex and I usually don't participate in them since we are the oldest ones there, and too old to play the silly games they play. Alex and I sat at a table across from each other. We just BSed really.
Then during the class we sat together as usual. It seemed to me that we were a little closer than usual though. However, I think it was just me. I mean, Alex was right on the end of the pew.
At one point during the class he had his left arm (the one closest to me) up on the back of the pew. It's hard to explain unless you know what they look like, but if I had been sitting right next to him then his arm would be around me.
Dad turned his back to look something up in his book. Alex then proceeded to take his left index finger and ever so gently stick it in my ear a little bit.
WTF???
We talked together and laughed and all that until he had to leave. That was pretty much it for youth club
Okay, now on to the mixed emotions part of the post.
After everything that happened today and yesterday, I have that feeling inside me again. It's that warm and fuzzy feeling. I think my feelings for him are starting to come back after their long vacation since the end of summer. I think some of you will say that they never left. But what I'm trying to say is that they are starting to affect me again. I've been thinking about him all day (plus I had a dream about him last night), and I've had a big grin on my face all day today.
The problem is, I don't really want to love him again. I mean there are no indicators that he is defiantly gay/bi, or that he wants a relationship with me that extends beyond friendship. I don't want to go though another heart break period like what I've been going through since the end of summer.
Unfortunately there is really nothing I can do about my feelings I guess.
11 comments:
Well, getting the friendship back in operation is what you wanted. And my impression was that in some way you've been in love with him the whole time (because it has sounded like what I went through with Mike).
So it's not surprising that you're beginning to have those feelings again, now that there is some hope of having more time with him.
Emotions are difficult to control. But if you work at it maybe you can calm them down *a little.* Mostly it is by telling yourself not to get too high about him; and distracting yourself.
Maybe some other people will have some other suggestions on how not to let your emotions overpower you. Best I can do right now is to suggest telling yourself to keep calm.
But it's nice that Alex seems *a little bit*
more friendly (but not this afternoon).
One more thought.
It might help if you keep telling yourself to expect no more than a simple friendship.
Heartbreak is part of growing up, unfortunately.
Trying to control romantic feelings for someone is extremely difficult. Even when you think you've got stuff under control on the surface, your subsconscious still knows what you really want.
Alex playing with your ear in class when your dad turned around would be an awfully strange thing for a straight boy to do, I would think. I've never been one (ewwwwwww), so all I can do is speculate. Try to not get your hopes up too much, though.
:-/
lol WET WILLY!
good times.
Jake's right. I had forgotten about wet willies, but it was something my straight college classmates would do to each other as a joke. They'd also tweak each others' nipples. Sounds pretty gay, but it wasn't really. Just guys having fun making each other uncomfortable or something.
I wouldn't get too excited until he sticks his tongue in your ear.
You can handle friendship - remember your note - you asked to get the friendship back on track. Work on that and then door might crack open for the bigger discussion. My own 2 cents....
Mr. HCI is spot on with regard to our feelings. In my experience, yes I have had a little lol, the only way to subdue (not stop, because I couldn't for years) the feelings was when all contact with the guy had been cut off. No matter how much I told myself I didn't love the guy, and I could easily live without him, I couldn't wait to see him again. Like Alex, he didn't feel the same way and it was him that ended the friendship. I was devastated for a long, long time and I still think about him now, although it no longer upsets me.
As goleftatthefork said; you wanted your friendship with Alex back to how it used to be. But, are you sure that's really all you want? Like you, I never want to go through that kind of heartbreak again. I'm not saying to break off your friendship with Alex, I'd never suggest that. What I am saying is that maybe you should make some decisions instead of waiting for Alex to make some. After all, it's your life and future.
Forgive me if I've come across as a total dickhead, but you know I'm not being nasty and I'll support you in whatever you want to do. I'm just sharing my own experience with you because it's similar to your own and I thought it might help.
Take care,
Col
p.s. chat soon :)
I'd only be able to say....
keep the friendship angle, fortify that.... and perhaps in time the rest of the situation will resolve itself out. But, don't set yourself up for an emotional letdown, either way.
Cliche, but que sera, sera.
He put his finger in your ear? Damn, you're in the saddle now! Just go with the flow.
peter
see i think the problem is we can not stop loving these guys until you find another one to lust over, cause i think unreturned love is really lust
ok so a choice in the road ahead and there always will be choices and dnecisions to make in life
one path may lead you to your dremas with alex maybe, it is possible who will know unless you press the issue
another path leads you to a life of friendship with alex and yes itis possible, somewhat painful at times but possible and enjoyable btw
a [ath i do not suggest is cuting him ot of your life at this point because he is right in front of you and it will be self torture
if you go to college, and i do hope you do, you may find your urges wain fo ralex as others appear in your life but he can remain a friend
or you may move away and never see him again but for now enjoy amd improve on your friendship with alex and see where that goes
there are no perfect answers in this life but we gotto get up every day and try to make it better in one or another
take care and be safe
bob
hey, peter...
feelings just r. Dont hafta be good or bad. Like weather it happens, not much we can do to control it except take shelter as necessary.
It is not bad to love/lust for alex. More and more scientific research into sexual attraction indicate it usually happens w/in about 10 seconds of meeting someone. Yes or no. Few maybes. Any of us can look at 100 hot guys [irl or pics] and there will always be ONE that we go "YES"! I'll take THAT one..."
also.. a wet willy from HIM w/ yer history... not a bad sign at all...
s
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