I'm one of those people who can't cry. Even if I try to cry I still can't. Weird huh?
When I can't cry, but want to, it makes for a weird sensation in my head. Usually I just sit with one of my hands on my forehead and have my eyes closed. Or I just bury my head in my folded arms.
Anyway, today has been one of those days. I did something unspeakable...
... I was thinking!
I know I shouldn't do it. I always regret thinking about the past, and Alex. And when you put the two together...
Well, it's not fun.
When I think about the stupid things I've done (with regard to Alex), I feel sooooo dumb. And in hindsight, I know I caused all of the problems that have torn our friendship apart.
It's really hard to explain without going into detail about each and every thing I'm thinking about.
Now, when you mix thinking and jealousy together!
That's when I feel the worst.
Like today, Alex was playing hockey with The Annoying Friend...
Oh ffs! I'm just gonna start using his name. Joe. So everytime you see Joe, he's The Annoying Friend.
Anyway...
I can hear them together out there. I keep thinking things like,
Why doesn't he want me out there instead?
Why can't we just be normal friends again?
Why did I have to do this?
Why did I have to do that?
Why...?
Why...?
Why...?
What if I hadn't done this?
...that?
Does he even know how much pain he's causing me?
Does he know our friendship is on the rocks?
Is he even mature enough to get all of this?
I know I shouldn't think like that. It's not healthy to. But I just can't help it.
Okay, I'm gonna stop all that now cos it really sounds dumb, and it makes me sound crazy.
I really want to just let go of him completely. But at the same time I want things back to normal between us.
I just want to talk to him. But I've tried before, but I just can't bring myself to confront him about it. Dunno why. It would probably solve this whole thing one way or the other.
And before you say it, going back to school is not going to solve a damn thing.
Hmm... What else is swimming through my head?
IDK
There was something there a little bit ago, but now it's gone. Maybe that's a good thing.
Damn! It's getting late. I want to get up and walk tomorrow (2.2 miles is my walking route's distance), but I'm probably not gonna be able to wake up early enough. As it is, I'm never gonna get to sleep with all the thinking that's going on upstairs.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. It makes me sound nuts.
In short:
I know it's time to get over Alex completely. It's been that time for awhile now. But I just can't do it! I try not to let him bother me, but I can't help it.
-_-
I mean, I didn't get any work done today cos I've done practically done nothing but thinking. I even tried to take my mind off it all by playing video games. That didn't do a whole lot of good.
I just need a long vacation away from here. Even just a long weekend would be nice. But it doesn't seem like I'll be getting one of those this summer, or any time soon for that matter...
Ok, I'm gonna shut up now. I'm gonna go crawl in bed, and bury myself under my covers...
BTW, I've posted an update on the whole animal abuse thing. Go read it if you haven't already.
6 comments:
*sigh*
you have so much to learn
you could come out here for said vacation
bring yer dad
Hang in there Peter - a few moments of introspection won't hurt - get yourself through exams and then try to get out for a day by yourself and away from home to clear your head and figure out a path forward
Peter
Its hard to ever get him out of your mind until you have someone else in your mind
that is the only resaon to go back to school to find someone else. I know how much you care fo rhim and how beautiful he is to you but until a major chage occurs you will be this way unless you bring change your self
i hope today is better and work hard on your studies
take care and be safe
bbo
You are diving into an emotional black hole with unattainable Alex at the center of the vortex. Either crawl free or stop complaining about it.
Oh Peter, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
*hugs*
But I have to agree with bob. Going back to school does not automatically erase Alex from your heart. But it does what bob said — lets you put other people in there so Alex isn't the only one, and eventually isn't the most important one. The other very important thing is it gets you away from Alex. When you start living with your mother he won't be outside your window, his house won't be there in plain view. And without those *constant* reminders, your fixation can diminish.
You are not crazy. You're in love, and all of this is perfectly understandable. But unrequited love is one of the worst feelings in the world, and you will be doing yourself a big favor if you can get beyond it.
It is understandable that you want both to get over him and to have things get back to normal. You have done what you can to get things back to normal, and it doesn't work. So it's time, for your own happiness, to let go of him. And you can't do it as long as you're living in that house. So moving to your mother's is necessary, and then having a lot of other people in your life is just as important. You know that you have to go back to school. The only reason you are resisting is because of that part which wants to get back with Alex.
I want you to be happy. Having Alex at the center of your thoughts makes that impossible. Please, please do what you know you have to. It will be painful at first, but in the long run it will be for the best.
*hugs again*
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