Well here we go again down the hill on the roller-coaster...
Yesterday I felt down emotionally. I was thinking all day about stuff. And I've come to the conclusion today that I have a few regrets recently.
Starting from the beginning:
1. I really wish I never had any feelings for Alex. That would mean none of this stuff I've been writing about in the blog would have happened.
2. I wish I never had to move back here. I had lots of friends where I used to live, and I had gave them all up for one. Does that make any sense? Not really.
3. I wish things with Alex never turned south.
4. I wish I could just give up on Alex. I've said it before, and so have you, but it's time to move on. But I can't.
I don't know why I'm getting like this now. I don't know where it all came from either.
I just wish everything can get better. But it's not going to any time soon.
It's so hard to deal with all this. I want to just give up.
But I can't do that, and I won't.
I don't know what the point of writing this is. You can't really help me. Writing this didn't help either. It just made me feel worse.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
And PLEASE don't tell me to go back to a "normal" school. You all know I won't do that, so don't even say it.
To make matters worse, I'm angry at Dad (though he doesn't know it). First, I learned that he has a e-girlfriend from the Philippines. A big WTF??????????????
I guess it's just natural for a child of divorced parents to feel this way when one of the parents takes on another partner. It's even worse when they both do it.
The two other reasons I'm mad at him are because:
1. There is a 100th Titanic anniversary cruise that is going to happen in 2012. It only cost a little over $6,000 for the whole thing. This includes train tickets to New York City; Plane tickets from NYC to where ever (somewhere near Southampton I guess); the 12 night cruise which includes an inside cabin (the cheapest), all the food and activities, a memorial service help on the spot where the Titanic sank from 11:40 p.m. to 2:20 a.m. on the 14th and 15th of April, an excursion to the cemeteries in Halifax, Nova Scotia, then back to NYC; then the train back to Pittsburgh.
Is $6K too much? I don't think so. It's a once in a lifetime event ffs! I mean, I'm not going to be alive for the 2ooth anniversary cruise. But then again, maybe I just don't understand finances.
Ok, so how about a cheaper vacation?
Instead of $6K, how about around $200?
This year is the 146th Gettysburg battle anniversary. Tickets for all three days of the reenactment comes out to something like $168 total. So figure around $200 for the hotel, food, gas, etc.
He won't even go for that idea.
FFS!!!!!!
I haven't been on vacation since I don't even know when. Seriously I can't remember when my last vacation was or where.
GRRRRRRRRRRRR
So yeah, a pointless post. Sorry for just rambling.
12 comments:
It does seem that moving back was a mistake. Your dad doesn't seem to have really needed you, unless just having you around gave him a boost which has been good for his health. And Alex's friendship hasn't gone as you hoped. But it's done, and unless there's a way for you to move back with your mom, it can't be undone.
Under the circumstances, you can't just forget about Alex, so the thing to do is try to be smart about him. Which means letting him be your friend on his terms, and accepting that he has other friends. Things were going well for a couple of days there. Then you got all jealous. Well I said all that before, but it still goes.
As for your dad and vacations. I don't know how much money he has, but his church can't be paying him a lot unless everybody tithes. $6,000 is a lot of money, even for somebody in the middle class. I really think it is asking too much. As for Gettysburg, when were the trips that you posted pictures from? If it has been a couple of years since you went and your dad won't take you there again, maybe it's just because he thinks you've seen it all. Maybe it's because money is really tight. Maybe both.
I don't know if it would be possible for you to have a frank discussion with your dad about family finances, but it could be a real eye-opener. When we're growing up, it may not occur to us that our folks couldn't get us everything we want if only they were willing. Some parents are that well off. but most aren't.
Don't know what to say about the e-girlfriend. Since he's divorced, it's not cheating, and he's entitled to have a courtship. But I don't know enough to say much of anything definite.
All that said, you *are* having a rough time of it right now, and I hope things will improve.
*hugs*
We all have days when we're down and we all have regrets too, but we just have to try and be positive about our futures and move on. I know... that's easier said than done when you feel shitty! But, it's true nonetheless; you're only seventeen and you have a lifetime of experiences ahead of you... you cannot change the past but you can shape the future. Remember, you may not be able to control what life puts in your path, but you can control who you are and who you will become.
Here are a couple of sayings I like that I thought I'd share with you:
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That’s why we call it the present
and...
Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it.
So I guess I'm saying: Live life to the full, enjoy yourself, smile, laugh, try to get along with everyone, stop worrying about things that are beyond your will to control and before you know it... a happy Peter!
Take care,
Col
p.s. Um, yeah... $6,000 is WAAAAAY too much to expect your dad to pay for a vacation! But, the Gettysburg one sounds very reasonable to me :)
Forgot to add that although you wont be around for the Titanic's 200th anniversary, your chances of being around for the 150th are excellent. That's the one you should plan for.
word verification: grash — the shtuff that's always greener in the neighbor's yard
@ NG:
Mom doesn't live there anymore. She lives back here now.
well if your mom moved back too then chances are you wouldnt be where you used to live anyway.
As for the trips I agree that 6000 is way too much.
I couldn't imagine asking for a trip like that. I know its something you really want but still. The economy is crap right now and people are really struggling. I cant imagine theres been an increase in collections at church. Thats why I'd imagine it's hard having a job thats dependent of what other people can give.
And the trip to g-burg? thats probably too much for your dad right now too.
I'm sure your dad would want to send you on a vacation if he could, and i bet even if he shows it he feels bad for not being able to.
I've been reading your blog for a while but never commented. But I felt the need now.
I really feel like you act like a spoiled brat sometimes. Most people wouldn't expect their friends to not hang out with other people because they are there. And most people wouldn't dare ask their parents for 6000 for a trip.
Grow up Peter. Stop being selfish.
@ Anonymous and anyone else wondering:
The trip expenses are calculated for two people. Not one. So I'm not being selfish about that.
Peter--Don't feel selfish about asking your Dad for trip money for the 2012 memorial. It all depends on the parent. My parents paid to send me a lot of places when I was your age. Somethings a lot depends on the plan you advance. You might try asking your Dad if ye would go halves with you. You would earn $1,500 over the next couple of years if he would chip in. As for Gettysburg, the same arrangement should be an easy sell. You just have to have a strategy and pursue it. Please keep us posted about this.
Are you sure that $6,000 pays for two people? In the first place, $3,000 sounds very low for all that's included. Second, prices are usually quoted "per *person* double occupancy" not per room. I suggest you look at the announcement again.
As for Gettysburg, if you can't save enough from your business to pay for it this year, you should be able to pay your way to the 147th.
BTW, does your church have a weekly bulletin or something where the weekly collection is reported? If so, it gives some idea of what they can afford to pay your dad, after all the other expenses of operation and upkeep.
Yes $6000 is for TWO people. I'll gladly give you the web link if you like.
The actual price would be a little less than $6300.
Does it really matter anyway? I'm not going to go. I mean there isn't even any way I can get $3000 to go myself.
Oh and the Gburg pics came from two different trips. One 4 years ago when Dad and I went down. The other was 3 years ago when Mom and I went to the reenactment held that year.
stop being a self-centered little kid, and grow up. you want your dad to spend 6 thousand dollars for a vacation trip in THIS economy? please. you could sponsor idk how many kids in Africa to get a food for that much money and you want to spend it on an overpriced trip to commemorate the sinking of a ship. i'm not even accepting the "one in a lifetime" excuse, because that doesn't make it any worthwile
anonymous --- u hide and criticize and also sound mean.
Peter is 17 and has dreams. The way you say things is sometimes more important than what u say.
Maybe u r the 1 who needs to grow into a more compassionate person. What good comes from such an abrasive and insulting manner?
Or at least have the balls to email Peter with such words. Oh, that's right, then u would not be anonymous.
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