Alright, here we go again.
Like I said in the edited version of the last post, Alex and I didn't sit out last night. He never said anything about it. In fact, I haven't heard from him since Monday.
It's just a little thing, but I've been hurt again. Even though I wasn't really expecting anything, I still got hurt. Like I said, it's just a little thing. But it's a little thing in a long list of other things that have hurt me. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I don't really know.
As usual, my head is swimming with thoughts right now about it all. Once again I'm thinking about just giving up on him totally. If I had a penny for everytime I've thought that, I would be a very rich person. Anyway, it's driving me crazy again. The only way to solve this problem is to eliminate the source. There are two ways to do that:
1. Kill him
2. Kill myself
3. Get away from him
Obviously I'm not going to choose number one or two lol.
I'm seriously thinking about going back to my old school. The problem with that is that I have to wake up at 4:45 every morning five days in a row. I don't know if I can do that or not. I slept for 12 hours after waking up at 4:45 yesterday. However, I think once I get into the habit of it I could probably do it.
Why do I have to wake up so early you ask?
Because Mom and I both really don't want to move again. We have moved 6 times since her and Dad got divorced 10 years ago.
I can still live with Dad, but that means living right across the street from Alex which doesn't really solve anything. Or I can move in with Mom. She's right up the hill so I will be away from Alex. I can still go to church, and also visit Dad.
I do miss my old friends. When I think about it, I can't believe how dumb I was from choosing Alex over all of them. Since I already know everyone there, I won't have to go through "the new kid" thing.
I don't know what I should do.
Sorry for always complaining when Alex does something like this. I'm sure you must think it's getting old by now. I'm thinking the same thing about this whole thing with me and Alex.
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. I haven't made up my mind yet about what I want to do. Your suggestions are welcome.
7 comments:
I say go back to your old school, because it eliminates your social isolation. As for Alex, he comes off in your posts as a bit of a user. If he doesn't want a relationship, that's his problem, so stop wasting time and reach out to those who really like your company.
It sounds like you are sleeping a lot because you haven't finished growing, which is not unusual for people your age. Nonetheless, going to your old school still is the best option. (You still haven't said why you would have to get up so early. If you don't have to drive you can probably catch a nap on the way.)
On another front, what's the latest on the abused animals next door?
I think if your folks are cool with it, it makes good sense to go back to your old school. As you say there are advantages — getting more social interaction and getting away from Alex, so you can stop obsessing over him — and disadvantages — the long commute with the early rising and not being around during the day as a security blanket for your dad. IMO the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
So talk it over with your folks. You don't have to tell them about the getting away from Alex part of it, but you can certainly tell them that you think it would be good for you to be able to be with friends and peers during the school day.
alex is not feeling the same way that you are about him.
to you, he's the one.
to him, you're a friend. but only a friend.
it's not worth throwing your life away, for a boy who will not give you what you want.
i hate to say this, but the problem is with you.
it's not about killing alex or yourself. it's about accepting that he'll never gonna be what you want him to be (boyfriends), but just a friend.
you must get over this, and treat him and just a friend. and move on.
otherwise, you're throwing away your life for the wrong reason.
and you're gonna screw up your friendship with him for this.
somewhere out there, the ONE is waiting for you. but you're not gonna find him if you cannot get over Alex.
it's tough, but you have to accept this. otherwise, there will not be happiness for you long term. imagine what will happen if alex gets a girlfriend later.
Peter
i guess the only questions is to ask if you go back will you be happy cause if so, then go back because you arent very happy now.
You probably know in your heart and you will get used to the schedule. Maybe you can live with Mom during the school week and Dad during weekend
i vote get up early and go back. Sorry about Alex i know you love him but i dont ever think he is going ot be there for you in the way you want and if you cant accept that be haoopy being a friend then you need to distance your self from him
take care and be safe
bob
Sometimes in life we all make sacrifices to trade a little pain for a little happiness. From my perspective, the pain of getting up early in trade for a wider social circle and more distractions to keep your mind off Alex is a good trade to make. You don't have too much time left in school anyway, so do it and see how it goes. There's a lot of fish in the sea, Peter. Jump in and go for a swim.
You have a chance to make things change. Or you can stay in the same vicious circle, over and over, never getting anywhere. I think you're able to see that for yourself, which is big progress in your situation. As others said... Alex is only going to be what he wants to be, not what you want him to be. You can drive yourself into the ground and bang your head against the wall over and over, eventually you'll get sick of it.
Go back to school - get back into a real social situation. It will be good for you. Much better for you, in fact. Worse case, you can always switch back - but you'll never know unless you give it a try.
By senior year guys r a lot nicer and more mellow. SO if u got shit at school b4, and that was 1 reason to leave...
well senior yr is lots of fun...
might also help get ready for uni social life...
shit... u mite find a bf even...
happens a lot... trust me i know...
by senior year gay guys r less likely to panic and hide and lie...
the good ones get more comnfortable with their sexuality and start to look for pals...
s in c
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