Okay, here we go:
Robert said...I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and while I am sorry for you in that you find yourslef on a continuous roller coaster, I have to say it is a ride of your own devising.
I am nearly 60, I have taught in public and private schools for the past 30 years. I have degrees in mathematics and a doctorate in physics, and I have coach young men's athletics for the same amount of time. I have been in a loving relationship with my partner for 35 years. So I understand both relationships and teenaged boys Peter, and your blog is informative not so much for what you say, as for what you do not say.
Peter, where are your other friends? Why do we never read about things you do, other than build models of the Titanic, watch television, play on the computer, and sit and gaze out of your window hoping for a sight of Alex?
In this area I have to agree with several other commentators here, in that your cyber school is making your introversion and self-absorption much worse. Teenagers need the interaction with their peers for many reasons, not least of which is the socialization skills you are going to need as an adult.
Peter, forgive the bluntness of an older gay man, but is it possible Alex sent you the letter because he, himself, did not want to be the one to break the chain, and that he thought you were the only person he knew who is nerdy enough to actually pass it on to someone else? He is shifting responsibility onto you, but not for the reason you had hoped for.
I think you are beating yourself to death over Alex and a relationship that is never going to happen. Reading back through what you have written, I now believe the sex you shared with Alex was a very passing thing on his part. Most adolescent boys go through an experimentation event with another boy or boys. I think that is what Alex was doing with you. Alex tried it on for size, realized it wasn't what he wanted, and moved on. Now Peter, it is time for you to move on.
I was very disturbed by your reaction to Alex's other friends. Adolescent boys have a pack mentality Peter. He is not going to leave those other boys because you do not like them.
When Alex teased you by looking at your erection in your trousers, or sticking his finger into your ear, or tapping your privates with his hockey stick, he was signaling that you were ok as his friend, and he knows about your orientation, and that your orientation is acceptable; and that is all those things meant. Those were not come-ons to you.
Peter, be reasonable here, please. You live across the street from each other. He knows what you want. He knows about masturbation and sex and how pleasurable those activities can be. If he wanted what you are offering, he would have taken you up on your offer.
Now, the part you will least like to read. I have read the reasons behind the switch to cyber school, and while they may have served as escuses for transferring, they are not the real reasons you are afraid of regular public school. Peter, I do not know the real reasons behind the faux reasons, but I urge you to confront those fears and defeat them before they defeat you. Please do not write a counter-comment and say I know nothing about cyber schools. in the past you have responded very snidely to advice that has gone against what you want to hear, and that is not a mature thing to do. I happen to know a great deal about cyber school, and in my experienced professional opinion cyber school is where loners go to hide.
This will be difficult for you to read Peter, and I am sorry for that. I have seen too many boys in too many classrooms not to understand that when some of them come looking for sympathy what they really need is a swift kick in the ass.
Peter, if I were not concerned for you, believe me I would not have taken the time to comment here.
RGF
Hmm well, I'll try to address the main points in each paragraph starting with the first one.
Thanks for reading, and welcome!
Doctorate of physics huh? I'll have to take physics next year and again in college for my particular degree.
Where are my other friends?
Which ones? I have friends younger than me, my age, and older than me. The young ones are right here and so are most of the older ones. The ones my age live close to 45 minutes away. Not to mention all the online friends I have.
Just because I don't write about anything else doesn't mean I don't do anything else. That's why I got a Twitter account so you can know what I'm doing without me having to make a blog post about it. I just have to update it more often. I am going to go to school with Mom to see my old friends next week. Maybe.
I know how to socialize. And it's not like I've been doing cyber school my whole life. I've only been at it for a little over a year now.
Actually, he knows that I never send forwarded messages on to anyone else.
Of course it's time to move on. I've already said that before. However, it is a lot easier said than done. Besides, every time I do try to move on, something happens that pulls me back.
Who says I want him to leave them to do things with me? Is it too much to ask though that when I'm already there I don't want anyone else to show up (except his sister. She's ok)? I mean, I'm finally doing something with him outside of church. I don't really want anyone else to show up and ruin it.
I'll skip the next two paragraphs because I really don't know what to say to them. Other than that everyone else on here seems to be divided on the whole is he into me? thing. I got an email from a reader who doesn't comment. He said he thinks Alex really likes me, but is at conflict with himself to admit it (or something like that). And then there are some here who say he doesn't even like me at all. So we have each end of the spectrum covered, as well as everywhere in between. I personally don't know what to think. So I just go with the flow.
The only thing I was afraid of in a "normal" school was changing in the locker room. lol
There must be an awful lot of loners in the world. I read I news story awhile ago that said more and more student are choosing cyber schooling. If I can find that news article somewhere, I'll post the link. There was another one that listed cyber school as an up and coming thing that might become the way of life for most people eventually. Twittering was listed on there too. lol
I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone on here. If you want to sympathize for me than great, but that's not the reason I write this blog. A swift kick in the ass? That sounds like Gen. Patton talking. lol
Well, I hope that wasn't a "snide" counter-comment.
4 comments:
An interesting post.
I have to admit that as I read it, I found myself in agreement with much of what Robert said. It could have been expressed more “delicately”, but it seems, these days, that brutal frankness is a pre-requisite for the teaching profession.
However, there are a couple of points I specifically want to comment on.
“Adolescent boys have a pack mentality . . .” Incidentally, so do girls. Society pays scant regard to them, or their views. The media continues to peddle the worst elements, and portrays all adolescents in this light. At this stage of development, adolescents haven’t acquired the necessary skills to portray themselves, eloquently, at an individual level. No real surprise that they stick together. They feel under pressure, and this is the way they combat and cope with it.
I think the use of the words “pack mentality” also betrays some of Robert’s views about adolescence.
But, it was the final part of the comment that compelled me to “put pen to paper”.
Robert, this may be hard for you to take on board.
Too many teachers seem to think that “a swift kick up the arse” is an appropriate response, rather than trying to empathise. It is people like me who are left trying to pick up the pieces for some kid whose self-esteem (probably very low to start with) has just been dispersed into the ether, by a misguided kick.
Peter, I wish you well in all that you are looking for in your life.
Luv, Baz
Just a bit about friends — Alex's and yours.
"Is it too much to ask though that when I'm already there I don't want anyone else to show up (except his sister. She's ok)? I mean, I'm finally doing something with him outside of church. I don't really want anyone else to show up and ruin it."
— Yes, it is too much to ask. Sure, you'd rather not have anyone else around, because it changes the nature of the get-together (although I'm surprised that the sister isn't an intruder — not a rival for his affections, maybe?). But, as I said recently, you don't own him, and you certainly can't expect to control access to him, nor can you reasonably expect him to send them away.
"Where are my other friends?
"Which ones? I have friends younger than me, my age, and older than me. The young ones are right here and so are most of the older ones. The ones my age live close to 45 minutes away. Not to mention all the online friends I have."
— You never tell us of doing things with the older or younger friends. They do not seem to be a significant part of your life. Understandably the friends who are 45 minutes away aren't really in the picture very much. But what's unfortunate is the lack of friends your own age nearby. You've mentioned three people in particular who were your friends before you moved away, and you basically refuse to try to renew the friendships. I think that may be the biggest mistake you've been making. I've tried to suggest getting back with them, and your excuse was something to the effect that "things are different." But when things became different with Alex, that didn't stop you from pursuing him.
It seems to me that your best move at this point is probably to make every possible effort to rekindle those three friendships. Second priority is to get that lawn business up and running. Distant third is to tolerate — outwardly, at least — Alex's friends whenever they show up. That's third because pursuing the friendship with Alex should not be your priority at this point. Sometimes I think I've given too much advice on how to deal with Alex. The advice makes it seem that I think Alex should be the focus of your attention. But I only discuss him because he *is* the focus of your attention, not because I think he should be.
I've told you all this before, or at least tried to suggest it, but maybe I haven't been as blunt as I should have been, because I also don't want to hurt your feelings. You've put a lot of time and energy into the relationship with Alex, and much of it has been wasted. If you had worked as hard on building up other friendships, you'd probably be happier today. If you start now, you'll probably be happier six months from now.
*hugs*
Wow. lol
I'm not here to pile on, but do think home schooling is limiting you. The company of others of your age may subject you to a lot of stresses, but it is as likely to put you in touch with new friends who live beyond a stone's throw of your house.
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